One year ago today, I learned what it was like to have my heart broken. The heart that I kept so very guarded throughout high school and my 20s. The heart that I never fully let a man into for fear that he wasn’t the right one. But as I approached my 30th birthday, I realized that if I was ever going to love one day, I had to lower the Great Wall of China around my heart just a teeny bit. So I did.

I didn’t fully give my whole heart away, I will save that for my wedding day, but I think I let a little part of it feel for the first time what it really meant to care for another person in a romantic way.

So because of the chance that I took, one part of my heart broke in a couple hundred pieces the evening of March 4, 2016. I always knew getting into a relationship was a risk. Allowing myself to feel romantically towards another person was a risk. A risk I never wanted to take before. But this time was different. I felt it was worth the risk. And despite the relationship ending with tears and pain, on my good days, I still believe it was all worth it.

As most of you know, being in a relationship was new for me and I learned a tremendous amount. One of the most important things that I learned was that my desire for marriage is more real now than ever. I always thought I wanted to get married, but I had never loved anyone before, so a part of me wondered if I was capable of caring for another human being in such a strong way. The relationship that I was in taught me I had the potential to love.

With today being the one year anniversary of my breakup, I wanted to  take you back through my journey of heartbreak picking up with this past September – 6 months after the actual breakup. However, I will admit, I do wonder if people will roll their eyes and think, “There she goes again, writing about her one and only heartbreak and how no dates ever work out for her. Can’t she write about anything else?!” And the answer to that is, yes, I could. But it’s not where I am being called at this very moment. I could write about a number of different topics besides dating, but it’s not why this blog was started. Selfishly, I don’t want people to think I only think about dating and getting married one day.

But since today is March 4, I am allowing myself to reminisce and share this story with you. Maybe just to remind myself that the more time goes by, the more those little broken pieces of my heart will find their way to being whole again. Plus all the comments, likes, and encouraging messages will help me get past this day with a smile on my face. So if you roll your eyes, at least I won’t be able to see it 😉

So maybe I am writing this just for me.

Or maybe you will need to read this because you are going through a similar situation. Maybe you will need to read this to know how to better pray for someone close to you. Or maybe you will need to read this for the future.

So here goes –

One day at the end of September, I came home from work and had this unusual feeling that I was going to receive something from Mr. KJWTS. I have referred to him by name before, but reverting back to Mr. KJWTS just seems appropriate at this time. If you don’t know the story, you can catch up here (Can It Be Three?) – when Mr. KJWTS was introduced as the third date in my thirty dates journey. He stuck around for several dates in between until we officially entered into a relationship on my thirtieth birthday (The Final Date – Number 30). He was the one that became my first official boyfriend and then the one that ended our relationship a year ago this very weekend (Skydiving).

The reason I had a feeling that I would hear from him that particular day was because it was very close to the anniversary of our first date back in 2014. So I got home from work and immediately checked my front porch for a package from Mr. KJWTS. There wasn’t one.

What was I thinking anyway?

But then I walked to my mailbox. Sure enough, I pulled out an envelope addressed to me with an address I didn’t recognize and no name. However, I immediately knew who it was from and my stomach dropped and my hands began to tremble as I grasped the thick, white envelope.

I walked in and sat down gingerly on the royal blue chair in my living room and opened the envelope to read his letter.

It started off explaining to me that he wanted to give me sufficient time to process our breakup on my own, but now that it had been six months he wanted to reach out to me. I won’t type out the entire letter, but I will share one part that brought a smile to my face and tears to my eyes all at the same time.

What I truly wanted you to know in this letter is that you absolutely were special to me, in ways even I never realized until after you were gone. When people ask about you, I always answer by saying you are the greatest person I have ever dated! It doesn’t get much better than that.

The letter consisted of more sweet words like the ones above and a paragraph that stung a bit as he shared about not feeling “at home” in the role he was playing in our relationship. He went on to explain that “letting me go,” as difficult as it was for him, was the right decision for us. However, he wanted me to know that his heart still broke the day he said goodbye and that he was still in the healing process as well. It was actually a good feeling to read that he hurt as well. Not that I wished hurt on him, by any means. But when you are the one being broken up with, you question how much the other person even cared. The fact that he was hurting, showed me that he cared. So I appreciated the time he took in sending me that letter and trying to explain himself after six months.

I read the letter once more with tears in my eyes and pushed it aside to get ready for my evening plans.

Later on that evening, after I returned home, I read the letter two more times and then went to bed with tears staining my cheeks. After a few minutes of laying there, all I could think about is what I would say if I wrote him back. So I got up, fired up my laptop and began to write him an email.

I went to the mailbox to look for a letter from you and knew it was there as soon as I saw the envelope. It’s because I know you. And I knew on the eve of our First Date Anniversary, that is something you would do. It’s such a weird feeling actually, feeling like you know someone so well and then also feeling like you don’t know them at all. A weird feeling.

But thanks for sending it. If it wasn’t there today or tomorrow when I looked, I think a piece of me would have been a bit disappointed to not have heard from you around this time. Especially because you are always in my thoughts. Everything reminds me of you. But I guess that is what happens when you date someone for over a year. It’s hard to not go somewhere where we don’t have memories.

Thank you for waiting 6 months to contact me and allowing me that time to begin the healing process. Sometimes I think I am out of the woods and sometimes I still cry. I was just asking God the other day to help me think about you less. Although, I have asked him that same request several months back too. I guess we never know God’s timing.

My email was a lot longer than that (I have a tendency to write too long of emails- and blog posts for that matter) and I touched on a few things he wrote about in his letter.

At the end of his letter he explained that he actually moved to a different house, which was the reason for the unknown address, but was still in the same city and said that if I ever found myself in the area, I could stop by. When I read that, I actually thought, “yeah right, like I am just going to stop by to see how you are doing the next time I am in your city…”

But as the week went on, my thoughts started changing.

Because, ironically, I already had lunch plans set for the upcoming Saturday with a friend from out of town about 25 minutes from his house. Something inside of me  wanted to contact him and let him know how close I would be, while something else told me that it might not be a good idea. I decided to go to lunch and play it by ear, depending on how I was feeling that particular day. As my friend and I were finishing up lunch, my thoughts turned to Mr. KJWTS and I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave the city without reaching out to him. So I texted him and explained I was in the area.

He asked if I wanted to stop by and see his new house. I stared at the text a bit and then answered that I did.

I drove up to his house, got out of my car, and went to ring the doorbell. It was weird walking up to a different house, knowing this is now where he lived, but in a way it seemed appropriate. Nothing was the same anymore.

When he opened the door we hugged and he started talking about his move and some things about the house. I was listening, but wasn’t really hearing him. Instead, I remember just looking at him and thinking he looked different. I didn’t see the usual joy in his face as I had the countless other times we said hello to one another. But that makes sense again too. Nothing was the same anymore.

He showed me around and I helped him brainstorm ideas on how to arrange his furniture in the living room. At one point he asked about going to get dinner together, but I didn’t answer him.

We sat on the couch and I brought up the letter he wrote me. I managed to hold it together emotionally despite a few tears I could see forming in his eyes. Maybe it was to protect him as I knew he already felt horrible for breaking my heart in the first place. He didn’t need to see me cry.

Eventually he asked me if I wanted to go get dinner again. After going back and forth a few more times in my head, I agreed to dinner.

“What does it look like to be friends after a break up?” I asked him, as I sat on his stairs, putting my shoes back on. I obviously didn’t have any experience with how to handle this. He had. “It depends on the person really,” he stated, “some of my past girlfriends didn’t want anything to do with me afterwards, while some I could still be friends with.” I nodded, wondering which category I would fit in.

Dinner went well and for almost an hour it felt normal. It felt like I was hanging out with an old friend and I was enjoying myself way more than any of the dates I had been on in the previous months. We walked out of the restaurant and walked around the corner to where there was a small courtyard and swing. We decided to sit down for a bit, both of us probably not wanting the evening to come to an end. I think he put his arm on the back of the swing, but I sat far enough away from him that our bodies were no where near touching. That’s when I remembered, nothing was the same anymore.

After awhile, we decided to leave and he drove me back to his house where my car was parked. I was forcing myself to leave him, wondering if it would be the last time I would ever see him. But before I did, I asked him if I could pray for him. We walked back in his house and sat on his couch. I wasn’t sure what was going on in his head, but for some reason as I prayed, I said this “God, please let him feel confident and secure in his decision about breaking up with me, I don’t want to leave with him feeling confused and second guessing himself.” I am not saying that I think he regretted his decision for us to break up, he didn’t lead me to believe that in any way, those words came out of my mouth before I had much time to think about what I was saying.

After I prayed, we stood up from his couch and he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. I think I remained stiff when he hugged me, determined to not let myself feel much emotionally and cry. He walked me out to my car and stood standing in his garage as I drove away.

I’ll admit that a few times after the break up, I wondered if Mr. KJWTS was just weaker than I originally thought. I wondered if he wasn’t who I thought he was in the first place because of his inability to make a relationship work with me. But sitting on his couch that evening, I realized he was a very strong man. He felt the Lord leading him out of a relationship with me and he followed that leading. He knew that by giving me up, I would one day meet a man who could love me with his whole heart with a pursuit like Jesus has for the church. He knew it wasn’t him. He was not the man that wanted to take care of me for the rest of my life.

So who am I to question our break up? I heard on the radio a few days ago that we need to remember to filter everything through God’s perfect love, instead of filtering it through our own heart. Because if I filtered our break up through my heart, which was now a little bit broken, I would question myself. I would keep bringing up my flaws and wondering where I went wrong or what made me unlovable in that particular relationship. Don’t filter things through the heart, the heart is deceitful. So instead, I chose to filter it through God’s perfect love. And when I do that, I realize that God loves me so much that he wants the very best for me. And Mr. KJWTS was not the best for me. I was not the best for him.

I am so glad that was revealed to me, although to be honest, not all days do I choose the correct filter.

As I drove home that evening I thanked the Lord for allowing me that time with him. I can’t remember if I finally cried on my drive home or if I held it together.

The next weekend, Mr. KJWTS texted me, “last week at this time, you were sitting on my couch, thanks for ushering in my favorite month with me.”

We both agreed that we missed each other and that it was nice to have spent an evening together the weekend prior.

For the next few months, we went about every other week with one of us texting the other person. I sent him a Christmas ornament in November, it was something I had bought for him the previous two Novembers. For a Christmas present, he sent me my favorite popcorn from a small shop in Gatlinburg (I raved about it when we were there the summer before). It was very thoughtful of him.

On Christmas Eve and Christmas we texted two straight days in a row. I am sure the holidays made our loneliness come out even more so than before. I began to look forward to his texts, especially because in about half of them he still referred to me as “beautiful” and I could sense that he missed me. It was a good feeling to be missed.

And then New Years Eve came. I had a few invites for that night, but had absolutely zero desire to be with anyone. I thought that if I couldn’t be with Mr. KJWTS, I would rather just be alone that night. So I sat on my couch and watched the ball drop and sobbed. 2016 certainly was a year that looked way different than my dreams had intended the New Years prior. 2016 was a year of heartache for me.

I refuse to let 2017 be the same. I want 2017 to be a year that I choose to believe truth. I want to choose to believe that my dreams will still happen and my future is still so very bright. I want to leave the darkness of 2016 behind and stop re-living it.

Although, I must say that when you experience heartbreak, the Lord feels closer than ever. During a heartbreak, you feel like trust is broken and you realize the fragility of life – how one person can be in your life one minute and then not the next. But that is not how our God works. God will never break our hearts. He will always be right by our side, whether we feel Him or not. And the nights that I laid crying in my bed throughout 2016, I knew God was near me. I knew because of what it says in His Word.

Pslam 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

A week or so into January, I was laying in my bed on a Saturday trying to get warmed up from the chill in the air and I received a text from Mr. KJWTS. I don’t even remember what it said, I just remember knowing this wasn’t healthy for me. I had such a desire for friends, that I thought I wanted to be his friend. When I told some of my friends that we would still text every other week or so, they asked how that affected me emotionally. Many times I told them I felt good about it. It was nice to still be in contact with him.

But then I started noticing that with his texts, I started re-living our time together. At first I thought it was good to re-live our relationship because we really didn’t have any bad times, so it was mostly all wonderful memories. But then that would lead me to re-live our break up and the ache would come back. This happened more than a few times, until I knew I couldn’t keep doing this. I knew I had to take some action.

So I decided that I would tell him we could no longer communicate. I waited a few hours and then changed my mind and texted him back something generic. That night, I was an emotional wreck, but had some sweet people speak truth into me.

The next morning, I went to church and out to lunch with a dear, new friend of mine. During lunch, she shared a story about her past relationship. And the more she talked, the more I realized that I needed to stop communication with Mr. KJWTS altogether. As I told her my story and my thinking, she stated, “I know how you are feeling and I also know that no one can tell you what to do, this has to be your decision, but I think it is a good one.” God placed this sweet woman in my life at the most perfect time.

So I went home and wrote an email. Here is a condensed version.

I need to let you go. Like completely. There is not one part of me that WANTS to do this, I am forcing myself to do this. And I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. You are a comfort to me, you are my safe place and your texts make me smile. I so badly want to be apart of your life, but I can’t.

I don’t regret our communication this past year, so I am not saying we did the wrong thing in our break up. I am just not healed and I want so badly to be. I want out of this place of sadness.

When I didn’t hear from you on NYE, I missed you. If I would have heard from you that night, I would have missed you all the same. I am so tired of missing you. So I have to say goodbye. I didn’t know how to navigate  our break up, much like I didn’t know how to navigate a relationship, but I learned. And so I am learning in this time of grieving as well. And the reality is, God chose to reveal to you that we were not supposed to be together. And so I put my trust in that. It’s not your fault and I know that it wasn’t easy for you. You did what God asked of you, what more could I ask for? There is no bitterness in my heart towards you.

I thought we could “be friends,” because I never wanted you out of my life completely. But I can’t sit around wishing all of the time and re-living our good moments just waiting for the day you start dating someone else. I don’t want to know when that day happens. I want to heal, I want to move on and I want to meet someone that will fall in love with me and never let me go.

So, I am sorry I am not strong enough to be able to be your friend. I know how lonely I am and how lonely you might be one day as well and I know that a simple text from one another can make that loneliness feel just a little bit better in that moment. But I have to give that up to allow what is supposed to come next for me in my life.

Please know that I miss you so much and I probably will for a long time to come. And so I wish you nothing but the best and hope that you find happiness in all that you do whether you are completely healed or still on a journey of healing yourself.

He wrote back some time later that night after I was already in bed, so I read it in the morning. It was well penned, just like everything else he writes and it gave me a good closure.

Here is just a portion of how he ended his email to me.

For what it’s worth, I strongly believe you will find love again one day, and when you do you’ll look back at me and realize I was only a fraction of the love you will soon experience.

I really don’t want to end this email (been looking at this draft for hours now, not wanting to hit send), for having you back in my life these past few months has made me more whole again. But it isn’t fair to you that I can’t give you what you so desperately need in exchange. I miss you more than you will EVER EVER know … you are MY Beautiful … the girl that always made me feel like a lucky guy to have by my side.

I never wanted to let you go … nor do I now … but I know I must so that you can let me go this time. Be strong, Babe! I will love you always & forever, Beautiful! =]

PS – I will cherish your sweet letter for many years to come as a reminder of the beautiful & precious relationship we had.

I read his email a few times that next day and then I deleted his number. I also taught myself how to dismiss any thoughts that would come into my head that were about him. I don’t need to sit and dwell on our good moments anymore. Maybe one day I can, but not right now. And so I told my parents and a few friends that I would no longer talk about him. It has helped for the most part. Every once and awhile, I think I let his name slip and every once and awhile a memory will sneak in and stay for longer than invited, but it’s still a process.

I felt like I needed to break my new rule of dismissing thoughts about him to write this post though. I wanted to give a final conclusion to my break up story.

Because it is the final ending. I am done being heartbroken. I am moving on. I am determined to do so.

The sadness may still linger for some time to come, but I don’t think it is necessarily because of the break up anymore. I think it is because of what it says in Proverbs 13:12.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

While I had a year of my hope being deferred and my heart sick, I am looking forward to the day that my longing is fulfilled. When that day comes, I will certainly write about that as well and maybe even double the word count! Just kidding, as this is already a ridiculously long post. I am aware of that, thank you.

So as I close, I will share one more verse in Psalm.

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.  Psalm 55:22

I love that! I will not be shaken. While my hope of being in a healthy relationship that could one day lead to marriage is not my present situation, I will remember that my hope is found in Jesus Christ alone. And because of that, I will not be shaken.

One day if the Lord sees fit to take me through another heart break (I really hope not Lord, I really really hope not…), then I will not be shaken. One day if I am blessed enough to find a husband (I really hope so Lord, I really really hope so…), he will one day hurt my feelings or possibly even not meet all of my expectations. But, I will not be shaken.

I hope the same goes for you today, as you have read my story. Stay firm. Stay strong. And even when your circumstances change for the worse, do not be shaken, because we have a loving Heavenly Father that is always by our side, willing and waiting to hold us up…if we let Him.

If you feel weak or broken right now…that is okay. Just reach up and hold your hand out, and before you know it you will feel our loving Father’s hand reach down toward you. Slowly, He will lift you up and you will get stronger. And then one day, you will find yourself standing again.

I know this because I have experienced feeling weak. I have experienced the pain of heartbreak. And I did the only thing I knew what to do – asked the Lord to lift me up.

And He did.

I know-because today- I am standing.

As I reflect back on my 31.9167 years of my life, I can easily segment different parts into “chapters.” The chapters begin with some sort of transition. One of the most defining transitions occurred right before high school for me.

It was the day I announced to my parents that I desired to go to a private Christian school for high school. We were eating dinner and I had been contemplating it for awhile so why not bring it up? I am not sure I recognized it at that moment, but it would require much from all of us. For them – lots of money; for me – leaving an already familiar and safe surrounding to be stretched beyond what was my normal. But I mentioned it and things got rolling and before I knew it I found myself in an uneasy situation – attending a new school being a quiet, shy, introvert, freshman girl.

I was nervous the first day of school and wondered if I would make any friends. When my mom tells this story, she says that she dropped me off at school that first day and said “remember to get a friend, be a friend.” I actually don’t recall that particular piece of advice, but that doesn’t really surprise me. Other than a few moments, I pretty much completely wiped away the memory of the first half of my freshman year. The reason for this is because I remember it being a pretty lonely time. I remember watching my classmates around me, not really knowing where I belonged. I managed to survive a few months until I think the loneliness got the best of me and I couldn’t manage to hold my tears in any longer. I remember dismissing myself from lunch a bit early and running into the girls restroom. Another freshman girl in my class came in shortly after and asked why I was crying. I shared with her my desire to have friends and she listened. I can’t quite remember how things all played out, but that girl that listened that day in the bathroom is still one of my best friends today 🙂

I also remember that a month or so after the bathroom incident, I received a note in my locker. Again, I don’t quite remember what the note said, but it ended with the simple statement of “I hope you come to the next basketball game.” Still to this day, I have no idea who wrote that letter, but I remember the way it made me feel. It made me feel noticed. And it made me feel that someone (even though I didn’t know who) desired to be around me.

It’s been over 16 years since those two incidents happened in my life and I would be lying if at times I said that I didn’t still feel like crying in the girls restroom every once and awhile. In fact, I will hesitantly admit, even now, it would be nice to receive a letter declaring that someone notices me. My age has doubled since then, and I still have that same desire of searching and yearning for true friendships in my life.

A part of me actually feels like this season of my life may very well trump the 9th grade difficulty of making friends. But I probably say that because I am living it out right now. I know how my 9th grade year ended up and the countless number of really great friendships I made in high school. But right now I am still sitting in the unknown of my future.

I don’t want to discount the fact that I have many people in my life that love me. I really do remind myself of these blessings often. In fact, if I got married tomorrow, I know exactly who I would call to be my bridesmaids. But as we grow up and people create families of their own, that becomes the number one priority in their life, as it should be. I am just currently missing that.

Therefore, I can easily fall into the trap of feeling left behind. In fact, I have to capture that thought often and throw it out of my mind. It eventually comes back, and I dismiss it again. And then it comes back…it’s an endless cycle to say the least. But I am trying to combat that lie every time it enters into a little crevice of my brain.

A few days ago, I was praying.  And I realized as I prayed that I am okay waiting for the family that I hope to have one day. I will wait as long as God calls me to. I know it will be worth it. “But,” I asked God the other day, “Can you at least give me some close friends during this season as I wait?”

But finding friends, and I mean like close friends in adulthood is extremely hard. Can I get an amen?!

Here are four reasons why I seem to have so much trouble.

(1) We are all very busy. Our jobs keep us busy. Our families keep us busy. Our ministries keep us busy. Many people can barely maintain the friendships they already have, yet alone make and establish new ones.

(2) And if we are blessed enough to meet new people, a friendship usually has to stem from some kind of common bond. For me, it is harder to relate to my friends with kids because I am not a mama yet and I don’t face the same challenges and rewards that they do. On the other hand, many people don’t know what it feels like to be in their 30s and single.

(3) In the realization of desiring friends, I have tried to make an effort to gain a few new friends and each time I do, I tend to wonder if people are hanging out with me out of obligation. I can only reach out to people so often, until I eventually stop trying. But I realize, like with most things, the key is persistence and vulnerability. I just don’t like the idea of begging for friends. Which is why I debated for days whether or not to actually post these particular thoughts at all.

(4) Because most singles around my age have a desire to get married, I think it is natural to meet someone of the opposite sex and briefly wonder if there could be romantic compatibility. So therefore stating you want to be friends with someone, pretty much puts them in “the friend zone.” Which most people would consider a downgrade, if you will.

Eh, he/she is not my type, but I could be their friend.

In fact, the whole “I still want to be your friend,” is the most common “rejection” line that men probably get from uninterested women. I’ve said it a lot, I hate to admit it. But I think at the time, I really believed that I wanted to be their friend. But I am sure on the receiving end, the sting of rejection cancels out the giddiness of earning a new friend. And who can blame them? I would feel the exact same way.

I’ve actually given advice to people that when they hear a woman mutter the word friend, it means she is not interested. I had a few disagree when I posted the inquiry to my facebook page several months ago.

Okay Facebook World: I don’t normally do this, but I am asking for your opinion on something and I think it might benefit a few people.

If a man met a woman and asked her out and her response was:

“Sure, but I need to be honest with you first. I’m not interested in a relationship because I’m trying to heal from my past relationship, however I would love to develop a friendship with you.”

What does that REALLY mean?
A) Thank you for the compliment of asking me out but I am not interested in dating you, I just don’t want to come out and tell you that because I don’t want to hurt your feelings.
B) I want to be your friend first and then eventually it could turn into something more.
Or if you can come up with your own interpretation, I’d love to hear it! I am really hoping to hear from both guys and girls on this topic (all ages too! Maybe that will make a difference?)

I originally posted that to prove my point to a friend, that the answer was A. But after over thirty responses it was really about 50/50.

Here was my follow up comment.

That was a fun experiment! It is almost 50/50, so the lesson from this all is that the statement I quoted above is vague and unclear. Technically all of you are correct because it is your interpretation, probably based on prior experience with a similar statement. If the guy doesn’t pursue the girl after that statement (whether romantically or in a friendship), she has to be okay with that and if the guy does pursue her but then she never becomes romantically interested in him and eventually dates someone else, he has to be okay with that as well. The lesson I am also taking away from this is that the girl should probably be more clear about what she really means (whichever way it is) and the guy should be okay with asking some follow up questions if he wants a clearer answer to not be confused. Just my thoughts after reading all of your comments. Thanks for playing!

So, since that little experiment, I have wondered a few things. Firstly, in my desire to make new and deep friends at this stage in my life, I wonder if I reach out to someone of the opposite sex, if it will feel like I am pursuing a romantic relationship to him. And after a recent experience, I have a strong desire to be pursued romantically and not to be the pursuer, so I wouldn’t want him to get the wrong idea. Secondly, if I tell a guy that I desire to begin a friendship with him, will that make him feel “less worthy” because I went straight to friendship?

I am actually recanting on my above answer of A. Instead of looking at friendship as a downgrade, why can’t it just be the beginning of “something” and anything that stems from that just be the “upgrade?”

Okay, so back to that “recent experience.” In December, I was chatting with a guy I connected with on a dating app.

Side note: After a few days of chatting, I am ready for the guy to ask me out, but it doesn’t always happen that soon. So most conversations die off before a date ever transpires.

But with this particular person, we will call him Andre, the conversation was always unique and engaging. Despite the usual questions of “what do you like to do for fun?” or “how was your day?” (I won’t hold it against him), all of the other conversations with him on the app held my attention almost daily.

One evening I sent him this message, “Guess what? Do you want to know how nerdy I am? I am playing scrabble against the computer on my phone. And losing often.”

His response: “What! I am doing the same thing! Haha! But I am winning because I secretly hate to lose, so it is on the easy level.”

I thought that was really cute that we had that in common.

After a few days of talking on the app, I brought up the whole “friend issue.”

I did a horrible job of explaining myself through text but I was trying to explain to him my desire for friendships. Besides playing scrabble, we had a couple of other things in common, so I thought we could be great friends. But again, I was nervous that even bringing up the word friend would make him cringe. However, he wasn’t asking me out and it had been almost a week! I just remember enjoying his company through text and thinking that if our first date was like most of my other recent dates, we would probably never see one another again. So why not make sure that doesn’t happen and establish a friendship instead?

His response was “I can see how starting off as friends would be less pressure but then it can be difficult to know how or when to make the move from friend to romantic also. So I guess there is no easy answer.”

“At this age though, it shouldn’t be difficult,” I responded to Andre. I was referring to the idea of communicating to a friend that you were interested romantically to see if there was a chance to move it past friendship level.

He wrote back and said “You’re right that it shouldn’t be and I guess if the connection is strong enough, then it would evolve naturally. I think at this age we are less self conscious.”

We agreed that we now both have better communication skills than in our younger days. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it could be problematic after all.

Anyway, a few days later, our communication was still constant and intriguing. At one point he said “I really like the way you are.” I was confused in regards to the context of his statement, so I asked him what he meant.

He said, “I like your personality and your look and that you have depth as a person – a little nerd and a little sporty. And this may sound like a weird thing to compliment a person on – but I like your nose. You are just an overall charming and beautiful woman.”

I think I laughed out loud about the nose comment. And what girl is not going to swoon over a compliment about how a man likes her personality AND her looks? Good answer Andre, good answer.

But, how much can you fully take in a compliment, when one hasn’t met you in person yet?! We were still texting through the dating app that next Friday night and I remember wondering why we weren’t having this conversation in person. It had been 6 days since our first message and he still hadn’t mentioned meeting me.

The next day, I couldn’t take it any longer and so I brought up meeting him. I asked him “How long does it take you to get to know someone before meeting them?”

His response: “I will meet you anytime you are ready – I could do later this week.”

Hmmm, that was easy. Although, I secretly hated that I had to be the one to mention it first. So then I began to wonder if that meant I was already perceiving him to be “more than friends.” Because if we were just friends, then should it matter who initiates hanging out? I already felt confused, but I didn’t care. At this point, I am just trying to go through open doors and hoping to find company when I do.

And I realize that I am kinda talking in circles here, but welcome to the inner workings of my mind.

The next week I was on Christmas break and we set up a lunch date meet up for Thursday.

However, after a few more days of chatting, neither one of us set the place and time for Thursday. So…Wednesday night rolls around and I asked him what he was thinking for Thursday. He didn’t respond and so I assumed that he was already in bed.

I was correct in my thinking because Thursday morning he affirmed that. But he also told me that he was not feeling well (hence the early bedtime) and wondered if we could reschedule our lunch. I told him that would be fine, but it would have to wait until I got back from a Florida vacation over Christmas.

We went a few days without talking until one of us broke the silence and said something. I don’t remember who it was (it was probably me and I was just hoping to forget), but I do remember telling him that I actually had missed talking with him. He told me he felt the same way. He asked what day I would get home from Florida and after telling him, I thought maybe the next message would be him setting up a time to meet. But he didn’t bring it up and I refused to.

Unfortunately, my refusal only lasted another couple of days because when I got home, I received a few more texts from him with no indication of rescheduling our lunch. So again, I couldn’t take it any longer. Ugh, I am so weak. I looked forward to his texts daily and at this point, I felt like I had too much invested to just stop communicating with him. But I REALLY did not want to go another week before meeting him.

So one night after I got back from Florida, we played Scrabble together through our phones. Guess who initiated that? It shouldn’t be hard.

Me: So glad we finally were able to play!

Andre: Me too 🙂 Maybe now, I feel a little more real to you.

Me: I didn’t even think about that.

But now he had me wondering. Had we not met because he wasn’t even real?! The thought hadn’t crossed my mind, but what was taking him so long?!

Andre: It’s hard to beat a night with your company and brownies.

Me:Maybe playing a game in person could? Because then you could also share your brownies with me.

Andre: Yes! That would be very nice.

I waited. Come on Andre. Here is your chance to ask me out. Or schedule another lunch or SOMETHING.

Nothing came on his end…so (I really am embarrassed at admitting to how many times I did this)… I asked him if he was nervous to meet me. I was wondering if he was putting it off on purpose. We discussed that a bit, but finally set a lunch date meet up a few days later.

This time he picked a restaurant and a time. I got up that particular day, wore my new favorite shirt that I bought in Florida and arrived at the restaurant feeling pretty confident. I was excited to finally meet the man that I had been communicating with over the past two weeks. The man that made me smile and laugh just by reading his text messages.

The meal was okay despite I ordered something I didn’t really care for and I almost choked on a piece of cheese that coated my throat.

Andre was nervous from the beginning and I tried my best to make him feel as comfortable as possible. I asked him a lot of questions about his job and the reason he moved to SC. He didn’t seem to get any less nervous though. At one point, I specifically remember wanting to touch his knee and reassure him that everything was going to be okay. I refrained from doing that though and instead choked on cheese. You would think that would make him feel a little less nervous, and maybe it did, because he managed to make a few jokes during our conversation, which I was happy about.

But I left the date, not really feeling like I knew the real him. I credited it to first date jitters and told myself that I would go out with him again if he asked, to see what he was like not nervous. Granted, hoping that on our second date, he would feel more comfortable.

I actually think it is quite endearing when a guy gets nervous on a date. It means he cares. But this was different than anything I’ve ever experienced. His teeth actually chattered a bit as he answered my questions and at times he looked at me like I was going to beat him up or something.

A few hours after I got home, he texted me and thanked me for meeting him for lunch. He told me that he was so nervous that he actually left his credit card at the restaurant and had to turn back around to go get it.

“Really? I couldn’t tell you were nervous at all!” I texted back.

Just kidding – I didn’t say that. I am not going to lie to the dude.

Instead, I told him that I was sorry that I didn’t catch that he left his card and I thanked him again for lunch.

We texted a bit throughout the week and then it stopped. And by this time, I decided that I desired to be pursued too much to keep initiating things with Andre. Yes, I know he was nervous and maybe he needed me to initiate one more time with him to show my interest. Maybe he got so used to me initiating before, that he was waiting on me now. But I couldn’t even tell if I did have an interest or not, so I didn’t know what to do. But I did realize that, nerves or not, I am going to need a man to pursue in such a way that I am not confused of his intentions. Sure, it will take a confident man to do this, but that is okay. I am already asking for a lot in regards to him being a man of God, so why not throw a confident pursuer in there as well! Ha!

Communicating and going out with Andre was a learning experience for me. It taught me to stop initiating and just sit back and let God work.

So in the meantime, I want to continue to find my contentment in my Savior alone – whether I am being pursued or not – whether I have close friendships in my life currently or not.

Although, I really am trying to work on the friend thing. Last week, I sat by a sweet and beautiful woman at Bible study and bravely asked her if she wanted to be my friend. I am sure I made it sound a bit more sophisticated sounding than a “Finding Nemo Valentine,” but maybe not. Regardless how it went down, we exchanged numbers.

So yesterday I randomly texted her to let her know I was praying for her and she invited me over to her house. She said that she already had two other women coming over and that I was welcome to join them. I kinda felt like I got a letter in my locker again! I told her I would be there. She went on to explain further that each woman was going to bring a note to share with someone else as an encouragement to start this next week. I decided to type up a few thoughts and truths about what I am currently learning about loneliness, thinking someone there might be experiencing something similar.

We spent the evening getting to know one another and munching on snacks. When it was time to leave, we all put our notes on the kitchen table. I explained that I wrote my letter about what I am learning in the midst of loneliness. “So if anyone is feeling lonely as well right now, maybe that letter is for you,” I declared to the other three women. Immediately the only married woman in the group reached for it and she said, “I think that is for me then.” I smiled and with a few tears welling up in my eyes, nodded at her.

We all need friends, whether we are married or single. And we all need to be reminded that we are CHERISHED by the One True King, whether we are married or single.

One of the quotes that I wrote in the letter was a quote that a mentor in my life recently shared with me after I was sharing with her about my inner struggle of battling the feeling of being alone.

“The road to holiness is narrow and steep and exceedingly lonely. There is no other road.”

So, when feelings of loneliness begin to creep up my insides, I will remember that I desire holiness in my life. Therefore if this is where God is calling me at this stage in my life, I will embrace it. It doesn’t mean I won’t cry or ask the Lord some questions in the meantime. And I think that is okay. I think that is only human of me to do.

But there is no other road for me right now. So I will continue to navigate it, in the best way that I know how.

Thanks for going along on this journey with me, whether I am singing from the mountain tops or trudging throughout the valleys – I appreciate you reading, because, one thing is for sure, you will always see my heart.

 

 

 

Last Christmas there was a video that went viral of a sweet little boy opening up an avocado for one of his presents. Maybe you have seen it too. This year, over Thanksgiving, I saw it re-surface as we are now back in the season of Christmas. And when I watched it again, a flood of thoughts entered my mind. Here is the link to it on youtube, in case you haven’t seen it yet: An Avocado Christmas Present

Watching that video fills me with a smile and makes me want a little boy just like that one day. Although I will probably have to do a bit of training first in order to have a child that grateful. Because unfortunately, you will not find any videos of me like that. Shamefully, it makes me remember the Christmas when I was three years old. I walked downstairs Christmas morning and found a purple electric motorcycle that actually moved when you pressed on the petal.

I saw it near the Christmas tree and turned back to my parents and said, “I didn’t ask for that?!”

As you can see I look less than enthused.

 

Now to my defense, I don’t think I really knew what it was or how much fun I would eventually have riding on it and I was not, then, nor am I now, a morning person. A few years later, we started the tradition of opening our presents Christmas night instead of early in the morning, so that might have helped my gratefulness.

So with these thoughts, I started a new blog post over Thanksgiving and then stopped after I wrote only the title. This is actually a weekly occurrence for me. Almost every weekend, I desire to write and then I squash that desire down. It’s because for right now anyway, my stories about dating are not new and they are beginning to sound a bit redundant. Actually I haven’t been on a date for over two months. So my weekends are beginning to look like what they did prior to when my 30 dates began in 2014.

But I still have some dates to write about that took place back in September, when each weekend was filled with at least one date. So my attempt at interweaving re-living what happened in September and my current reality has me typing a sentence on this blog post and then eventually shutting my laptop computer and taking a nap instead. Because both re-living my dates as well as my current situation lacks excitement. And to be painfully honest, leaves me often times filled with sadness.

So why would I want to write in the midst of sadness? Especially when the sadness keeps turning to guilt for being sad. And especially because this sadness has lingered for about ten months now. I have my ups and downs, but I can’t pretend I am happy when I am not. So typing out that I still experience sadness almost every weekend makes me feel vulnerable and annoyed that I must not be doing something right to lift it.

So at a risk of sounding redundant, vulnerable and sad all at once, here is a story from early September.

Over the summer, Mr. Successful and I were first matched on Match.com. I don’t fully remember where that led, maybe one of us stopped responding to each other’s emails but it didn’t lead to a date. Then when I joined Bumble, Mr. Successful and I were matched again. Not really remembering why communication ended on Match, I messaged him on the Bumble app (women have to make the first initial contact).

After messaging a bit back and forth he asked if I wanted to grab coffee or lunch the following Saturday. I always appreciate when men are quick to set up an actual date instead of messaging for weeks on an app, that usually ends up tapering off into silence after a few rounds of the usual questions. So right away, I was impressed with this guy.

That morning he messaged me and we agreed on meeting for lunch at Panera. I arrived first and sat outside waiting for him. As soon as I saw him walking towards me I was a little bit surprised at how much I found him attractive. He was tall with dark hair and a killer smile. Since this was back in September, I don’t quite remember our first introductions (that is what I get for waiting three months to blog about it), but I do remember getting in line and ordering and him paying for our food.

As I filled up my water cup, a nice lady stopped me and complimented me on my shoes. We talked for a minute longer and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mr. Successful watching us and smiling. When I arrived at the table that he picked out for us, he told me they were pretty cool shoes.

So I have to include a picture, just in case someone is wondering what kind of shoes would make the guy with the killer smile compliment me. This is a picture from Instagram that I posted a few years back. On our date, I actually wore cut off jean shorts (in case that matters).

When a man compliments a woman on her shoes, he earns a few points right then and there. Lunch went well and was an excellent mix of each one of us doing the talking versus the questioning an even amount of time.

This is a side note, but lately one of my “go to” questions has been asking men what they find attractive in a woman on a date and most of the time, one of their responses is someone who knows how to ask good questions. I think asking questions shows interest.

Which is why I said our lunch seemed to be going well. The reason for Mr. Successful’s name is because during my time of questioning I found out that he played college baseball as well as in the minor leagues. I am sure he told me what team, but I forgot. He then later went on to become a golf professional (actually I may have the story wrong – maybe he just played golf for fun or maybe now he just plays for fun..). Anyway, I do know that he spent the last decade working his way up at a company where he now sits pretty comfortably, which is his reason for now wanting to settle down and have a family.

The reason I might have some of those details wrong is because as impressive as all of that is, I didn’t really care. Okay, so that sounds harsh, what I mean is…I did care on one hand because I was interested in getting to know him, but on the other hand, I just couldn’t stop wondering where the Lord fit into his life. And don’t get me wrong, when he was sharing, he did so in a very humble way and so I was not turned off by his arrogance. I actually wasn’t turned off at all, I just wasn’t “turned on” if you will.

Somewhere during lunch, our conversation turned towards dating and how these dating apps kinda cheapens dating in a way. It is great for meeting people, but Mr. Successful went on to explain that too many women are dating more than one men at a time because of it. I didn’t actually know how to respond to that, since at the time I was going on a date with a different man every weekend. So I tried and explained to him where I was coming from and he said he didn’t find anything wrong with that. What he meant was women were basically in a relationship with more then one men at a time or sleeping around (and I assume the same could go for some men as well). I assured him he didn’t have to worry about that with me. He laughed and at the end of our lunch, he asked if he could have my number. We had only been messaging on the app and therefore had not exchanged phone numbers yet. Again, I liked that. Many times guys ask for my number pretty quickly on the app, but for some reason, I prefer meeting first. However, I understand the pros and cons to both situations.

I gave him my number and he thanked me and said that maybe next time we could do dinner instead. I agreed and he walked me out to my car. I drove away smiling and selfishly thought it would be fun to go out with him again since he was so good-looking and great at carrying a conversation. But deep down, I knew we didn’t share the same passions and goals in life and figured it wouldn’t go anywhere beyond a few dates.

I got home that afternoon and checked my phone and saw another message pop up on the Bumble app from a guy that I had connected with the weekend prior. He is a college baseball coach and lives over an hour away from me, but his message explained that he would be driving through Columbia on the way back from recruiting and inquired about us grabbing a drink together.

Before responding, I texted both my parents and said, “So what are the rules about going out on two different dates with two different men on the same day?”

My dad said, “there are no rules, go for it!” and my mom said, “Go have fun!”

I messaged Baseball Coach back and asked him where he wanted to meet. He answered with, “anywhere with an ice cold beer.” I started looking for places around me and after I found one, I sent him an address along with a message asking him if it was okay if I got a soda (…a pop…for my northern readers…) instead of a beer. He responded with, “you can get whatever you want.”

Baseball Coach had obviously played baseball in college as well and as I sat and talked with him, I felt like I was talking to Mr. Successful 14 years prior. Mr. Successful was nine years older than me, while Baseball Coach was five years younger than me. I could tell the maturity difference and while I had to be the one to keep the conversation going, I still enjoyed my time with him. Just like Mr. Successful, Baseball Coach was good-looking, tall, with dark hair and a great smile. But the way the conversation seemed to go, he didn’t seem as interested in getting to know me. Maybe it was the maturity difference and his lack of questions or maybe he just wasn’t interested. But I kept the conversation going nonetheless, thinking this might be a shorter date than normal. I asked him a lot about his family and his current job as a coach and every once and while he would ask a return question.

After about an hour and a half, longer than I anticipated, I knew I couldn’t keep the conversation going for much longer without a change in scenery or some food in front of us. I asked him if he was hungry, since it was approaching dinner time. He told me that he had actually gotten food right before meeting me, so he was good. He asked if I was hungry and I really wasn’t. So after both realizing we weren’t going to dinner, Baseball Coach said that he should be going anyway. The head coach of the team had been calling, wanting an update about his afternoon recruiting.

We said our goodbyes and he mentioned that maybe we could get together again sometime. I think I agreed and then walked out to my car and waved goodbye.

When I returned home, a new number with a text popped up on my phone that said, “Thank you for a great time at lunch and I hope you have a great rest of your weekend!”

I knew it was Mr. Successful, but as a joke, I responded like this, “Hey, now who is this again…I am sorry?”

Within literally two seconds, I sent another text and said, “Just Kidding Mr. Successful (I used his real name of course), I knew it was you and thank you. And the same to you!”

He didn’t respond that day nor any other day after that. It’s like he knew I went on a date with someone else that same day.

I am not sure of the reason behind his lack of response. Maybe he didn’t think my joke was funny or maybe he really didn’t think I was joking and he thought my second text was my save. Or maybe he never really intended on asking me out again in the first place.

If I felt that we would have had some sort of future, I would have probably texted him and asked as well as clarified that I was indeed joking. But I didn’t really care to do so.

I also never head from Baseball Coach either.

And again, I didn’t care.

And I say that with all honesty. I know, again, it sounds kinda harsh. But it’s true.

So the reason I face sadness is not because these guys don’t ever ask me out again. I don’t ever feel rejected by them. I just know we don’t connect and I know we are not right for one another. So I usually am left with a sense of peace.

I just get sad that I spend my weekends either on dates with the wrong people or at home by myself. Those are usually my two options.

Lately I have realized why my sadness turns into guilt. And it is because sometimes sadness comes with some misconstrued thoughts that I need to learn to throw out the window.

Sometimes I think that being sad is a sin and I am doing something wrong because of it. But when I look up sadness in the Bible, I don’t read that. Instead I read verses like in Psalm 34.

Verses 17- 20 say this, “When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.”

For example, yes, I am sad, but…

-I still have a peace and a contentment that stems from the fact that God has me in this place for a reason.

-I have not forgotten my many blessings that I have received throughout the years and even currently this year.

-I have not forgotten my self-worth that comes from our Heavenly Father.

-I have not forgotten how much I am loved by Jesus as well as my awesome parents.

-I still know that God’s plans are so much better than anything I could imagine for myself.

-I am not wasting these years of singleness nor waiting to start truly living when God brings me a husband.

So maybe this is just still a time of healing and sadness for me from my breakup in March. I get a little annoyed with myself that after all of this time, I still dwell on that, even when I know it was for the best. But people reassure me that healing from breakups don’t fit into a nice, neat, time table. It doesn’t mean I am doing anything wrong and it doesn’t mean I should be doing anything more. It just must be my time to weep. And thankfully I do believe it is just for a time. As in Ecclesiastes it tells us there is a time for everything.

 A Time for Everything: Ecclesiastes 3 

     There is a time for everything,

    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,

    a time to plant and a time to uproot,

³     a time to kill and a time to heal,

    a time to tear down and a time to build,

⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,

    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,

    a time to keep and a time to throw away,

⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,

    a time to be silent and a time to speak,

⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,

    a time for war and a time for peace.

 

So in this time of weeping and mourning (that sounds like such a severe word, but it’s sometimes fitting), I will still proclaim that God is good.

Because I really do believe the common phrase that…

God is good. ALL the time. And ALL the time. God is good.

I can picture the day in my future, when I finally do get engaged. And I picture people telling me, “See…God is so good.” But I want to proclaim that now. Now in my time of sadness. God is good now. I may be waiting on my man of God to come propose to me, but I am not waiting on God’s goodness. That is here. At this very moment.

I will continue to wait for my time of laughter and dancing and in my waiting I will say thank you.

I will come home from a date with a man who is not meant to be my husband. And I will say thanks for that opportunity.

I will spend another Saturday with my parents who love me so very much and build into me. And I will say thanks for them.

I will spend another Sunday alone and in the quiet of my house relaxing and doing one of the things I love to do – writing these blog posts. And I will say thanks for this gift.

And on the days that I want to retreat back to my three year old self and say,

“But I didn’t ask for this?!”

I will remember that sweet little boy and instead whisper, “It’s an avocado…thanks.”

 

 

When I was a little girl, one of my favorite VHS tapes was Kids Sing-A-Long: Camp Melody. The beginning and ending song was called “Imagination” and I can still quote most of the lyrics. For nostalgia purposes, I found the video on YouTube and not-so-embarrassingly-enough, just sat through the entire 25 minutes and sang every song. It took me back more than 25 years and with tears in my eyes, I began to re-live a piece of my childhood.

Imagination, Imaginationn, Imaginationnn, Imaginationnnnnn!”

Everyone’s Imagination – Imagination

Things aren’t always just what they seem.

We can be whatever, we want to be

We can see whatever, we want to see.

Just use a little bit of Imagination!

Thinking back to my childhood, I remember playing for hours using my imagination. Imagination is such a gift that the Lord gives children. How exciting to be able to imagine anything!

When I was really young, I had an imaginary friend named Asabaca. She got me in trouble once when she told me to call her on the telephone and my dad wouldn’t let me. He told me that I could hold the phone up to my ear, but when I started dialing numbers, he put a stop to that phone call. I wasn’t very happy about that. I remember going upstairs and crying to my mom and when she asked me what was wrong, with tear-stained, little cheeks, I told her, “Dad won’t let me call Asabaca!!”

Actually almost all my entire childhood memories stem from some sort of imaginary situation. My friends and I would play anything that we could think of that would mimic real life situations.

 

“Do you wanna play grocery store?”

“Let’s play bank today!”

“Or what about restaurant?”

Restaurant was probably my parents favorite game that my friends and I would play, because we would clear the dinner dishes and wash them ourselves, all under the guise of “playing restaurant.”

At one point, I was on this kick of playing job agency. How I knew that was a real thing at that young of an age, I have no idea. But I literally remember pretending that people called me to find a job and I would take down their information and interests and promise to find them a job as soon as I could.

Among the many things that I played, of course, school and house were my favorite.

Most people in the education profession that have wanted to be a teacher since childhood, remember fondly the days of playing school.

I remember the first year that I began teaching, it almost felt like I was dreaming. I guess in all reality, I really was living out a dream. Despite the hard days (my childhood imagination didn’t prepare me for disrespectful and talkative students…), I loved every single thing about it. There were countless days that before turning out the light and locking up to go home, I would peer back in my classroom and think “I can’t believe this classroom is really mine.” I was a teacher and I was living something I always imagined.

As we grow up, it almost seems like our imaginations begin to hide. Reality sets in and new problems arise. I was reminded of this in late August.

It was shortly after I joined the Bumble app and I saw someone I recognized on there. I didn’t do anything about it and we didn’t match, but a few days later he called me and asked me about it. I am not sure how to describe this person, maybe in between a friend and an acquaintance. I would probably call him my friend because I care about him, but we rarely talk or see one another – maybe once a year, so maybe that puts him more in the acquaintance category.

Anyway, we will call him Mac. And this is sort of how our conversation went- the best I can remember it anyway.

Mac: What are you doing on an app like Bumble anyway?

Me: I know, I regret it pretty much every other day. So, I am not sure.

Mac: Well, it’s probably rare, but you could come across a Christian on there, I suppose. You might have like a 2% chance.

Me: See that’s the thing Mac, I am not looking for a Christian. I am looking for a man of God.

Mac: Yeah….well, you aren’t gonna find him on there then.

Me: hahaha that’s what I have been thinking.

Mac: Your chances have just gone way down – maybe now like 1% OF the 2%.

Me: Thanks for the encouragement.

Mac: I am just keepin’ it real. Finding a “man of God” as you would say, that is not already married, is going to be very hard.

Me: Yes Mac, Thank you, do you think I haven’t learned that?!

You might think our conversation was a bit disheartening for me, but I actually got off the phone encouraged. I laughed often during that phone conversation. I think it felt good to have someone agree with me that what I am looking for is hard to find. It felt good that he understood what I was searching for instead of actually telling me that I needed to lower my expectations or just settle on being with anyone that claims to be a Christian. And as I reiterated to many people, I am not looking for perfection. I am not looking for someone to always make the right choices and to never make mistakes. I am just looking for someone who follows Christ and knows His Word. I am looking for someone where their actions line up with their words. I am looking for someone who when they do mess up, they are humble enough to recognize it and admit it and they know how to bend their knees and repent. I am looking for a man of God. Not many people will understand that and my words will most likely be misconstrued, but I guess that shouldn’t matter. He will be MY husband one day, so I will be the one doing the choosing. Even if I only have a 1% of the 2% chance in finding him.

A few days later, I was ending my work day and looked down to find a text from Mac. He told me he found me a man of God and asked if he could give him my number. I laughed and rolled my eyes, not believing it. He later called me and gave me more details. He said he worked with a man that just seemed different than most. Mac told me that during the occasional “guy talk,” this man did not join in on what he called, “guy humor.” Mac told me that he stood out and that his faith seemed strong.

“So today at work I asked him if he was a man of God,” said Mac. “You did WHAT?!” I asked with a smile on my face. I asked Mac what he said in response.

“He said yep,” Mac recited nonchalantly.

I laughed again and thanked Mac for helping me out, even though I was not the least bit excited. I still didn’t quite believe Mac and thought he was probably just pulling my leg.

Mac is a bit of a dreamer as well and during one of our conversations he actually said we should film a reality show “Searching For a Man of God.” He said we could go downtown and hold up a sign that said, “Are you a man of God?” As ridiculous as the notion sounded, Mac has a way of making anything sound realistic.

So I thought him finding a man of God at his place of work, just days after we talked, was as believable as us starting a reality TV show.

But at this point, I had nothing to lose, so I gave him my permission to pass on my number. “How do you feel about men with beards?” Mac asked me. I told him I was indifferent about it and laughed.

The next day or maybe a few days later, Mac’s co-worker texted me. We spent a few days texting and then set up a date for Thursday evening.

Even though trusting Mac is sometimes questionable in my eyes, I knew I could trust him to set me up with someone safe, so I let Co-worker pick me up for our date.

We ended up going to dinner and as we were finishing up, he asked if I wanted to go to Starbucks to continue our date. Normally, on a Thursday night, I would have been ready to go home and prepare for the school day ahead of me. However, because of weather conditions, school had actually been cancelled the following day. So I agreed to Starbucks.

Mac was right. Co-worker was a man of God. It was fun to talk with him about theology and his family background. He was very nice and sincere and I was thankful that I agreed to Starbucks. After awhile, I started getting pretty tired and so we ended our date and he drove me back to my house.

The next day, Co-worker texted me and said, “Thank you again for going out last night. I had a great time.” We sent a few more texts back and forth and that was it. I didn’t hear from him after that.

Maybe a guy can sense when the girl isn’t really feeling it. Or maybe Co-worker wasn’t feeling it either. And what I mean by that is chemistry…a romantic connection…the indescribable feeling you get when you can’t wait to get to know someone more. That was missing for me.

So here is where probably about half of you reading this will be shaking your head, wishing you could reach through your screen and strangle me.

You might be thinking, “GIRL, you FINALLY found a man of God and you are letting him go because you aren’t feeling it?!

And my answer would be yes.

Yes, because I began to wonder why I ever stopped using my imagination like I did when I was a child. Maybe it is because as adults we are no longer innocent and naive of the world around us. We grow up and realize that fairy tales don’t really exist and many of the romantic movies have plots that don’t seem to happen in real life. Those movies stemmed from someone’s imagination and that is it. So I think as adults, we are scared to imagine. Imagining means we are believing something to be true that will probably never exist.

But when did that switch happen? When did imagining something equal the same thing as achieving the impossible?

I stopped for a second and blocked out what other people would say about my dating decisions and one day future marriage. I didn’t want to hear anyone’s advice. I wanted to imagine for a second….for a few minutes. And so I let myself go. I let myself imagine.

I imagined meeting a man that had a smile that almost took my breath away. A man that had beautiful eyes because they had a light in them that only the Holy Spirit could provide. I imagined being physically attracted to this man and desiring him to hold me close in his steady, strong arms. But then I imagined getting to know him and seeing his heart. I imagined seeing how much he sought after the Lord on a daily basis and how much he cared for others around him. I imagined him to have strong convictions but communicating them without judgement on others. I imagined us connecting on all levels – emotionally, physically and spiritually. And I imagined falling deeply and hopelessly in love with him – all of him – his beautiful heart, his endearing personality and his physical body.

And then I imagined him seeing me for the first time. I imagined him thinking that I was beautiful and then getting the courage to approach me and tell me that. I imagined him thinking my quirks and flaws were actually endearing and him getting the desire to want to care for me unlike anyone else he has ever cared for before. I imagined his arms aching until they were wrapped around me. And I imagined him seeing my heart and my love for the Lord and others. I imagined him falling deeply and hopelessly in love with me – all of me, my heart, my personality and my body.

I imagine us entering into a relationship together and doing our very best to follow God’s plan for relationships. Most likely at times we will fail, at times we will probably hurt one another’s feeling and we might even have some disagreements. But I also imagine us apologizing to one another, wiping away each other’s tears and reiterating how much we care about the other person. I imagine us praying together and growing closer to the Lord, all the while growing closer to one another, until one day this man decides he can’t imagine a day without me in his life and he asks me to be his wife. And I imagine feeling like the happiest woman on this Earth.

I don’t imagine having a perfect marriage. Instead, I imagine it will be hard and challenging, like all marriages are. But I imagine feeling safe and secure, knowing this man will never leave me no matter how hard it gets. I imagine him knowing me deeper than I have ever let anyone know me before. And I imagine him letting me in to the parts of his heart that he never let any other woman enter. I imagine asking God to be the center of our marriage and receiving blessings because of it. I imagine having a marriage, where others will wonder how we do it. And then I imagine speaking into other couples lives and telling them the importance of following and trusting in our Heavenly Father even when the world tells you otherwise.

And then I step back into reality and wonder if all my imaginings will just always be that. An imagination that never shows it’s face into reality. And I begin to have a small battle play out in my head. One side tells me to imagine and to hope and to wait. And then another side tells me to stop imagining. Imagination is for children – innocent and naive children that do not know how the world works yet.

And as I go back and forth deciding which side I should choose to live in, I remember the little girl in the basement of her parents house teaching a lesson to an imaginary classroom while writing conjunctions on the mini chalk board and singing a song from School House Rock. And I wish I could go back there and tell her that it will come true. That her dream of teaching and standing in front of the classroom will happen. And she will one day teach to a classroom of actual students and she will be good at it. Students will learn from her and hopefully remember her, years after they step out of her classroom for the last time.

I wish I could go back and tell that little girl that. Tell her to keep imagining and that one day it will turn into her reality. I bet she would smile really big and get very excited.

So when I think about that, why can’t it happen again? I wish my future married self could come to me right now and tell me those exact things that I wish I could go back and tell that little girl playing school.

I wish she could come tell me. “Keep imagining because one day….one day…it will turn into a reality.”

And yes, I am grown up enough now to know how the world works. But you see, I also know how God works.

Ephesians 3:20 “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or IMAGINE, according to his power that is at work within us.”

Ephesians tells us that God has that power. God has the power to do more than we imagine.

So…present day self…I give you permission to keep imagining. And to those that read this today, what do you want to imagine, but you are too scared to do so? Because whatever that is, you have my permission to imagine it.

Please. Go imagine something big. And don’t let anyone stop you.

Eleanor Roosevelt has a famous quote that goes like this, “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”

Exactly two months ago, on August 16th, I had a dream.

The months leading up to the dream is when I would sometimes question myself. I have actually had these questions for years and as I re-entered the online dating world, these questions arose again. I’ve asked them several times before in previous blog posts, but the main question would still circle in my head every now and then.

Is God waiting for me to give up the desire to be married before He blesses me with a husband?

Or worse yet…

Am I just not meant to be married?

I believe that God asks us to love Him more than our earthly desires. I believe that the Lord calls us to trust in Him and to wait for His timing, knowing that in the end He knows best. I 100% believe all of that.

So in August (and many times before), I begged God to change my desires if His plans were for me to remain single for the rest of my life. I want to believe that I love God enough, that if He called me to be single for the rest of my life, I would do it. But I also know if that is the case, I am going to need His help. So on an almost daily basis, I asked the Lord to change my desires if singleness was His plan for me.

My desire for marriage didn’t fade, in a way, it almost seemed to get stronger. In my 20s, I always had this desire, but it wasn’t ever at the forefront of my mind. These days, it was.

So again, I wondered if I was doing something wrong. “Am I not a strong enough person that I can’t seem to get rid of this desire?” I would ask myself.

And then I had that dream.

I woke up at 5 am that Tuesday morning and immediately began praying. Soon after, still in bed, I grabbed my phone and typed out the dream in my notes, so I wouldn’t forget the details.

Prior to that dream, I had been missing that soft and contented feeling of peace. I had been praying for it since March, wondering why it wasn’t appearing as soon as I asked for it. I had no clue that God was going to give it to me through a dream, but I really believe that is what happened.

Dreams, like many aspects in life, can very well be misinterpreted or over-spiritualized, I get that. I know that our dreams might just occur because our daily activities lead us to these thoughts in the middle of the night and many times our dreams may not serve a purpose or a reason for occurring.

But I also believe that our God is big enough that if He wants to reveal Himself through a dream, He can do that. Besides, it is indeed scriptural. This dream gave me hope, it gave me joy and like I said above, it gave me peace. Hope, joy and peace come from the Heavenly Father, so I am claiming that this dream did as well.

I am not going to go into detail with my dream, but it transpired in several different scenes. However, I will share one part that I wrote in my note the morning of that dream.

“Eventually there was a man and I couldn’t stop looking at him because I felt like the Lord was giving me a glimpse of my husband and I didn’t want to look away. I felt so much love for him.”

I can’t really describe specific physical characteristics of the man I saw in my dream, but what I can remember is the love that I felt when looking at this man.

Maybe this will be a man that will occur in my future dreams and never exist in reality, maybe this man was Jesus or maybe I was right and God was giving me a glimpse of my one day earthly husband.

So ever since that dream, I have a bit more hope. I can go on dates and then come home from them, knowing I most likely will never see that guy again and that hope is still there.

That is what happened on my date 10. I had been communicating with Elementary School Teacher throughout the summer. We connected on Coffee Meets Bagel on July 10th, but didn’t set up a date until I was back in South Carolina for a few weeks. He lived just under two hours from me, so it took a few weekends to get something set up. When we did, our date was set for August 20th. Going into this date, I felt a different sense of peace and I now contribute that to the dream I had a few days prior.

He told me he would drive to my town, which I was incredibly thankful for, and even chose a restaurant through his own research. I really liked the effort he made to choose a place to eat in a town he wasn’t familiar with. At 6:30 we met at a small Italian restaurant about 15 minutes from my house. When I walked in, I spotted him sitting at the bar with a drink. I walked up and introduced myself, I think we hugged, and then I sat down next to him. After chatting for what seemed to me, over 20 minutes, I began to wonder if we were going to eat at the bar because he made no effort to move to an actual table. I finally asked if he was planning on eating tonight and he said yes and asked me the same question in return. I said yes as well and then asked him if we should move to a table. He agreed and we did.

After looking at the menu, we ordered and continued our conversation from the bar. Since he was a teacher, we had a lot of things to talk about. Soon our conversation moved toward our past relationships and we both shared our stories laced with probably a bit too much detail, but neither one of us seemed to care. From what I could tell we were both enjoying the conversation and interested in what the other person had to say.

After awhile, I knew it must have been getting late and when I took a sneak peek at my phone, it was around 9pm. The waitress still hadn’t brought the check to our table and I made eye contact with her across the room, trying to see if she could read my mind. It wasn’t that I wasn’t having a good time, I was just starting to get a little bit “talked out.” About 15 minutes later, Elementary School Teacher paid for our meal and I asked if he was ready to go. With that, we got up and he walked me out to my car. We both said we had a good time and I thanked him for paying and driving all the way to my town. He told me it was time well spent and mentioned that if I was ever in his area to let him know.

I arrived home 15 minutes later and a text appeared from him. “Let me know when you make it home,” it read. I texted him back and thanked him for the night again. We continued to text back and forth every few days or so. But I think it was shortly after our date, I decided to try the Bumble dating app.

Actually the Saturday after, I had my first Bumble date. I was matched with Mr. Bumble a few days prior. The way the Bumble app works is that the woman has to initiate communication with the man first. I have tried a few different tactics, but when I first got on the app, my immediate message to these men talked about how faith was important in my life (even though my profile stated that as well) and I asked them if it was important to them. Many times that didn’t go over well. I had one man respond with an inappropriate message that almost made me delete the whole thing. I had another man convict me of being in a cult after he told me that he was a Christian, but he didn’t judge people, so he didn’t care if he dated a Christian or not. I told him that I  understood and that was a fine choice for him, but we probably wouldn’t be a great match. He then asked if I thought I was better than him and I tried my best, in a very loving way, to explain that I did not. I went on to further explain that I didn’t want to waste his time, if I knew we wouldn’t be a good match. I think that is when the cult comment came in to play. And you wonder why I still have this app? Yes, me too. Me too.

But Mr. Bumble was different. He told me that he accepted Christ into his life when he was fifteen years old and he didn’t exclaim that I was in a cult, nor question if I thought I was perfect. So that was a start 🙂

A few days later he asked me out and mentioned putt-putting. I agreed and he said that depending on his work schedule, we might even be able to grab dinner beforehand.

And that is exactly what happened on my date 11, my first bumble date. We met for dinner and almost immediately our conversation seemed a bit forced, so I tried to rack my brain to figure out what to talk about. Soon he revealed to me that he was a father of three boys and had gone through a heartbreaking divorce the year prior. I am not sure what the protocol is when people mention their past in this way, but I decided to ask about it. I might have been breaking protocol, but it kept our conversation going.

We spent the rest of dinner talking about his sweet boys. After dinner, we both got in our own cars and drove to the miniature golf place. We played two rounds of mini golf and I remember really having fun. For some reason putt-putting never really sounds like that much fun to me, until I am actually doing it and I remember how much I do enjoy it. It’s a good go-to idea for a date as well. We played two rounds, I think I won one and he won the other. After getting home from my date 11, he texted me and thanked me for the company. I texted him back and told him thanks again and that I had fun putt-putting. His response was, “thanks for going easy on me in putt putt.” I responded with “haha anytime,” and then I went to bed.

But as I lay in bed, I started thinking about Elementary School Teacher and Mr. Bumble’s dates. For some reason, I didn’t think either men were right for me, but I wasn’t going to make that call so soon. However, in the weeks to come, I never heard from Mr. Bumble again and eventually Elementary School Teacher’s texts fizzled out as well. It might have been because I wasn’t showing enough interest back or maybe they became interested in someone else. But this time, I didn’t even care what the reason was. And I didn’t question if I had done anything wrong. I just remember finally feeling like I reached a new level within myself. And that is because after I got home from both dates, I didn’t become sad. I didn’t cry nor did I question why neither one progressed to a second date. Instead I felt peace and I was content. This is how dating should be.

My desire for marriage is still there. And actually, as of lately, I haven’t been asking God to take that desire away anymore. I just continue to pray for patience to wait. I also pray that I don’t miss out on today. That I don’t miss the chances I have today to impact this world because I am too busy looking for my husband.

The reason I am now satisfied with keeping this desire is because it reminded me of when parents give their children Christmas gifts. Many times, within the many gifts wrapped under the tree, there is one gift in particular that is above the others. It is the gift that the child has probably been asking about for a long time. When the child finally gets to that specific gift box, the parents seem almost giddy themselves as they watch their child open it. I have never really experienced this because I am not yet a parent, but I have seen it happen.

Matthew 7:11 says this, “So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.”

So I don’t think God is waiting for my desire to go away before He blesses me with a husband who will love me for the rest of my life. What would be the point in that?

Does a parent want to wait until the child no longer wants the new game system to give it to him? I don’t think so. The parent finds so much joy in giving the gift to the child at the child’s peak desire for it.

So, what is God waiting for in my situation? It could be for a numerous different reasons. I could have a lot more to learn still or maybe the man that will one day be my husband has a lot more to learn. I don’t know God’s reasoning and I don’t have to. I can learn to trust. I can learn to have patience and I can live in the moment.

Writing about my dream today, made me re-read the note I wrote the morning of that dream. And these were the last words I typed.

“When I woke up, I told the Lord that if that is what He has for me, I could wait. I prayed that he would keep that man safe. I felt so much peace.”

So again, I remind myself, that I can wait. Because my goodness, if that dream ever turns into my reality, I will be one blessed woman.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. 

Yes, Mrs. Roosevelt, I have to say, I agree with you.

I have gone back and forth….and back and forth…about whether being on these dating apps is a good idea or not. The other day, someone asked me why I was on them anyway. I thought about it for a second and then I realized the one thing that DIDN’T come out of my mouth was, “to find my husband,” although that thought is always lurking in the background. Maybe deep down, I don’t believe my future husband is on a dating app. Then why AM I on them? To tell you the truth, I am not totally sure. But I answered my questioner with, “it gives me company on the weekends.”

While it is true that I am an introvert and I DO need my weekends to recharge again for the next week, having a date just mixes it up a bit. It gives me something to look forward to, something to get ready for. Because if not, I might spend the entire weekend in my PJs with greasy hair and no make-up. It’s happened before, embarrassingly more than once. And you wonder why I am still not married?

So can you blame me for wanting a reason to put on a cute outfit and curl my hair every once and awhile? But is that a good reason to go out on dates? I am not sure and therefore I really thought long and hard about deleting the apps and going back to my make-up-less weekends. I began to count how many dates I have been on since turning 31; and I am up to 18! Some of them are starting to run together now and while I would still like to blog about these dating adventures, I have to admit, my dating life resembles more of a broken record than an actual adventure. So I then entered into a new debate of whether or not to keep blogging about them. And that is when “31 after 31” entered. It’s not like I hadn’t thought about that before, I think I joked about it in another post actually. What if it was something that I actually did? Go on 31 dates at the age of 31. I think it would help me with the whole idea of not worrying about if one date would turn into another one. It would just let me enjoy the date at that moment in time. I wouldn’t have to sit at dinner and analyze if I was going to make my interest clear or just end it with the usual, “thanks for dinner, I enjoyed meeting you” comment. I didn’t have to sit on a date and worry if I was doing a great job impressing my date with my curled hair and exciting hobbies (cough cough).

I have actually found myself not worrying if my date likes me or not and I do believe I am doing a good job of being myself (maybe that’s why many of my first dates have not turned into a second one…). But what I HAVE found is that within the first fifteen minutes or so of being with my date, I have already decided that this man in front of me is not my husband. That is what I want to change.

If I did this “31 after 31” thing, I would have 13 more dates to go on by the end of March. Then maybe after that I would give up the dating apps altogether. Will I change my mind before then? Possibly. But that’s okay. I usually make up the rules as I go anyway. I kinda doubt that my “31 after 31” dates will beat my “30 before 30” dates, especially because the last ten or so were with Mr. KJWTS, but maybe God will surprise me 🙂

So recapping a bit – my dates 2 and 3 were both with Bubba at the beginning of June, which I already wrote about a few posts back. Thinking back to him, I wonder how he is doing? My goodness, he deserves to get a special woman one day. I hope he is well on his way to finding her.

My actual first date as a 31 year old, was a double date. I’ll back up a bit.

At the end of May, I posted this picture on Instagram.

With a caption stating this, “Even though I’ve been single most of my life, I’m almost three months newly “single again.” And as much as I love her, I think I’m ready to start spending my Saturdays on dates with someone else again. Is that bad? I’m new to this and don’t know how timing works. #partyofone”

After seeing the above post, one of my co-workers messaged me and asked if I would be willing to go out on a double date with one of her husband’s friends. That was so very sweet and thoughtful of her and actually seemed like a perfect idea to get me back out into the dating world again.

I told her I would, but then added in another little comment that involved my fear of letting someone I know “set me up.” I told her that I am always up for a date, just as long as I wouldn’t hurt her feelings if I didn’t feel it romantically with this guy. She told me she wouldn’t be offended at all and soon after the date was set!

I am trying to remember if I have ever been on a first date that was also a double date and I don’t think I have. This might have been the first. And it taught me that if I thought first dates were hard, double dates were even harder! Or maybe it’s easier, I can’t decide. The reason I say that is because on this date, I actually talked more with the my friend than the guy that I was supposed to be on the date with. I tried to get to know him, but it just felt weird with another couple there listening to our conversation. So after we ate dinner, we decided to go to another place for dessert. We walked out of the restaurant and I got back in the car with my friend and her husband, since they were the ones I rode to the restaurant with in the first place. Double Date Guy met us there, so he got into his car and drove to the dessert place alone. Was I supposed to have gone with him? I have no clue. I probably messed that up.

So after that date, I got home and realized I barely got to know Double Date Guy over the last three hours or so. But the worst thing was, I didn’t really care to go on a single date with him either. So the next day, I told my friend that I appreciated her willingness to set me up with her husband’s friend, but I didn’t see it going anywhere. She was very sweet about it and I think she understood. I then went to Michigan for the summer, so I never really thought much about it after that.

So fast forward to when I came back from Michigan and I had my date number 4 with Fellow Introvert and date number 6 with Army Guy. In between those two dates, I actually had another date that I haven’t written about yet.

So let’s talk about date number 5 – Pastor’s Son.

I was matched with him while in Michigan on the app Coffee Meets Bagel. That app shows you if you have any mutual friends. I saw we were both friends with one of my best friend’s husband. So I texted my friend and asked about it. After describing this guy a bit to her, she immediately recognized him as someone that went to her church and she became excited. It turns out that she had been wanting to introduce me to him for several months, but just didn’t know how to make it happen! CMB took care of that for her! While I did not get very excited, it was very sweet of my friend to be excited enough for the both of us.

After texting a bit with Pastor’s Son and facetiming once when I was still in Michigan, we set our date up for a Thursday evening when I returned home. As we ate dinner, our conversation flowed and we did have some things in common when it came to our faith. But the spark was missing for me and I was not entirely sure we shared the same passions. Again, I tried not to think about that and after dinner, I suggested we stop by the mall since we were right around the corner. I needed to get a few things from Bath and Body Works. Looking back, running an errand on a date may not have been the wisest of choices, but I guess I didn’t stop to think about it then. He didn’t seem to mind and actually seemed pleased that the date was going to last longer than just dinner. After shopping for bubble bath and soap, we stopped in the food court for some milkshakes.

He drove me back to my house (I let him pick me up since we had mutual friends and he was a pastor’s son and all…) and I think he walked me up to the door and I hugged him goodbye while thanking him for spending the evening with me. Parts of the date are a blur now, but I do remember something distinctly. I walked inside and sat on my blue chair in the living room and started crying. It still felt weird to be going out on dates with other men besides the man that I last called my boyfriend ( I still feel weird calling him my ex-boyfriend because the word “ex” sounds so stark).

Two days later was my date with Army Guy and the same thing happened at the end of our date. That is when I wondered if it was just too soon to be going out on other dates, even though it had been five months since my break up. But then I realized it didn’t matter if I waited five months or five years, I had to get over this hurdle and now was the time.

When Pastor’s Son asked me out on a second date (which is now what I am calling my date #7), I said yes. Our second date consisted of dinner and then him coming back to my house to watch the opening ceremony to the Olympics. It went fine but once again, I felt something was missing.

My date #8 was with Mr. Maturity (whom I wrote about in my last post). After establishing that we were not right for one another, one of us suggested we stay friends. I liked the idea because I can use some friends and so since that date 8, I have hung out with Mr. Maturity twice on a friend level. It is nice because I can talk freely with him about my other dates and actually go to him for some advice and vice versa.

Which I did after my third date with Pastor’s Son (my date 9). I kept saying yes to dates with Pastor’s Son because I thought maybe I would start to like him in a romantic way. But after the third date, I really didn’t foresee that ever happening. I wanted to try and treat him with the utmost respect and so I texted Mr. Maturity about what to do. I admired Mr. Maturity about what he said to me after our date and so I thought he might be a good one to ask.

Me: So I know this might be weird but I was wondering if I can ask you for dating advice?

Mr. Maturity: Sure, I would be happy to give advice

I explained to him the situation and then said this:

Me: So I think it would be best to let him know what I am feeling. On our third date, I offered to pay my half because I started feeling guilty. He let me and I am not sure if that hurt his feelings or if that told him I just want to be friends or what. If I just tell him what I am feeling, can I do it over text or should it be the next time he asks me out (if he does)?

Mr. Maturity called me and basically explained that the sooner I told Pastor’s Son what I was feeling, the better. I think I already knew that, but I needed to hear it again.

Three days later Mr. Maturity asked me how it went.

Me: I haven’t done anything yet because I feel so badly telling him over a text but I also feel awkward calling and tell him, since we never talk on the phone.

Mr.M: It is time to put your big girl britches on. And remember he’ll probably appreciate the timeliness of you telling him and not going out again with someone who’s not interested in him.

Me: Are you sure that texting him is not just the easy way out? I don’t want him to feel like I don’t respect him.

Mr. M: Nah, I’d be surprised if he thought that. As a man, I would probably feel more silly on those occasions when I go out with a woman and she waits until the end of the night to tell me something like that, so I would prefer a text.

And just like that – Mr. Maturity gave me the confidence to finally text and tell him.

Here was my long text to Pastor’s Son:

“So I have this not so great feeling in my stomach because I have to have the “if I am being honest” conversation. I have been praying about it since Monday and feel it is better to tell you now rather than later since I am not sure where you stand at the moment with your feelings. Unfortunately with me, I can’t offer you anything beyond a friendship at this point. I am so sorry to tell you over a text and I went back and forth about it, but other guys have told me that it is better to just let someone know, than the means you choose to go about it. I am really sorry if I have gone about anything in the incorrect way. I want you to know I have nothing but respect for you. So please don’t hesitate to ask me any questions if you need to.”

His response was so sweet:

“Okay, I gotcha, no worries. I appreciate your honesty and I am glad you went ahead and just told me now. I hope you find a really good guy sometime soon.”

I felt so relieved that he handled it so well.

I was proud of myself for actually going on three dates with him but then felt horrible at the same time, wondering if I should have just stopped at one. But none of that mattered now. I figured out that we didn’t click in a romantic way and his response was so great.

I know some people will say that you need to give it more than three dates for the romance to start and others will say that you should know if the chemistry exists after one. That is why we have to make decisions for ourselves because I think everyone is a little bit different in this area. But honestly based on my personal experience, I think I can tell if some sort of chemistry exists after the second date. I went on the third date with Pastor’s Son because I didn’t know how to say no. But I have learned now. No one wants to go out with someone that isn’t interested in them, just because that person doesn’t want to say no and hurt the other’s feelings. So all I can do is to continue to pray about my decisions before I make them and then make decisions that I feel is best for me.

Looking back on these first 9 dates (and wondering if I should still write about the most recent 9), I am still so thankful for getting the opportunity to go out with such admirable men again. I want to take this time of dating and enjoy my single life, not constantly yearn for the future and forget to live during the present. I don’t want the pressures of decisions to make me not enjoy the other wonderful single men that are still out there.

So as I finish up 13 more dates at the age of 31, that will be my goal. My desire is to not get down on myself when one date doesn’t turn into a relationship, but to just enjoy the date that I am on in that very moment.

Thank you God for blessing me with the current single life that I have and for these opportunities to go out on dates.

 

So I am just recently catching up to the latest dating trend – dating apps on your phone that are free. I don’t think they are really new, but they are becoming more and more popular. And the pro is that I don’t have to pay for it. However, unfortunately that is a con as well. Because not paying for something like that could mean everyone and their brother is on there looking for anything, from a potential spouse to just a night of fun.

I have heard of an app called Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB) before, but for some reason stayed solely focused on eharmony and never thought to try it. After talking with a friend about it, at the beginning of the summer, I later decided to sign up. CMB is a pretty neat idea if I do say so myself and seems to have a classier reputation compared to others. You start off by allowing the app access to your Facebook and therefore it begins your profile already with your location, name (first name only after you connect) and age. From there you choose pictures to include, fill in your height and religion as well as blanks to the following sentence starters.

I am…

I like…

I appreciate when my date…

After that you choose your preferences for your matches. The app tries to find you a match every single day and their profile will appear at noon. From there you have the opportunity to click “PASS” or “LIKE.” In a way, as I am now typing it out, I can see how it seems to be a bit like shopping for dates and that is kinda weird really. But in a digital world where we do most things using technology, meeting people close to where you live that are also single through an app seems a bit brilliant to me. At least when I first started it, it did. I have also recently tried out another app called Bumble after CMB no longer had any matches for me. And now, the longer I have used these apps, the more I am questioning myself for doing so. I also question myself for continuing to blog about my dating adventures and the feelings that come from it because I am nervous that people reading will think my life revolves around dating. And that is not true, although it is what this blog revolves around. Plus, I have to remember I am doing this for myself anyway and it’s refreshing to type out real and honest feelings as I go through the dating adventures. I crave authenticity, so maybe others do as well.

When I first started CMB, I was mostly passing on my matches for the day, a bit afraid of what would come from a simple decision of pressing the like button and wondering how I was going to navigate the waters of trying to figure out what kind of Christian they really were. Finally after a few days, I was bold enough to hit “LIKE” and a message popped up that he liked me back. It was a bit of an exhilarating feeling actually. When that happens, a chat window appears with that match’s name. The chat window remains open for 8 days. Neither one of us started a chat, so our window closed. Hmmm, this is going to be harder than I thought. Why didn’t I just start the chat with him? I am not sure, but it might be because of the innate desire to feel pursued.

My next liked match, did message me first, but after a few days that died off. Finally, my third match seemed a bit more hopeful. After chatting a bit on the app, we switched to texting. I found out he was in the army and lived about an hour west of me. At one point he asked me how I was spending my weekend and I explained that I was in Michigan almost all summer. The soldier’s response was, “How am I supposed to ask you out, if you are all the way in Michigan?!” I thought that was cute and liked that he mentioned early on that he had the desire to ask me out. I told him I would be back in town at the end of July. I went on to explain that if he doesn’t meet anyone else that he is interested in from now until then, we could meet at that time. I apologized for making it complicated and he said, “The first part of any relationship is communication. All that’s different here is that none of it is face-to-face. No big deal.”

I responded, “I’m glad you feel that way. You just let me know if something changes on your end, or I guess if a few days go by without hearing from you, I will get the hint…”

He told me that I should not take that as a hint as he might just be having a busy week but that he would let me know if anything changed. Soldier seemed to be a good communicator as well as very intelligent and soon our texting and phone call conversations increased throughout the next several weeks. One time we decided to Facetime and we talked for over an hour. He would usually contact me in some way at least every other day.

However, the two weeks leading up to me getting back to South Carolina, there became several days in between his texts and calls. One time I didn’t hear from him for about five days and I began to think that he probably met someone else. Which, in all honesty, at this point, it wouldn’t have bothered me. I think I would have almost been happy for him. But then I also remembered that he told me he would let me know if anything changed and that he may just be busy with work or something. I think I broke the silence by texting him and asking if everything was okay. Soldier called me ten minutes after that text and acted like everything was fine, so I went with it. I wasn’t going to ask why he had been silent for five days because it shouldn’t really matter anyway and I didn’t feel that comfortable with him yet. If he wasn’t interested in a date anymore, he would just have to tell me. But in the back of my mind, I knew that a five day silence was not a good indication that he was still interested.

Our date was planned for the Saturday after I returned back south. He called me the evening before and told me that he was excited to finally meet me after a month’s long communication. I agreed with him. He asked what time he should come. I was silent for a bit as I processed that and then he said, “I assume I will eat breakfast at home and then…” He stopped talking and so I picked up. “Oh okay, so you can come for lunch.” The more we conversed it ended up becoming an all day affair, where he would come into town around noon and we would grab lunch out, with the plan of making dinner at my house hours later.

While we were at lunch at a local restaurant, I ran into one of my dearest friends and we stopped and talked with her for a bit. After we ate, we headed out to a few flea markets to walk around, even though it was blazing hot. I glanced at my phone and saw a text from my friend where she told me that I looked gorgeous. That was so sweet of her and she built my confidence up a bit because I wasn’t receiving any words of affirmation from my date. I’ve realized now, that most guys don’t compliment on dates, so I need to stop looking for that.

At the flea market, I began looking through some phone cases and found one I liked and then stupidly remembered I had no cash. Soldier offered to buy it for me, which was incredibly kind, but I declined. It was a bit pricey for a flea market find anyway. Instead, he bought us some dried kiwi and we snacked on that. We stopped at the grocery store to pick up some things for dinner and although I pulled out my debit card to pay for that, he told me he would buy it. On top of all of that, he bought us some milkshakes for the ride home.

As our date continued, I began to wonder if this was going to be too long of a date for the both of us. At certain points, I was starting to get a bit bored and I didn’t know how to entertain him to make sure he wasn’t experiencing the same boredom. Soon, I think I just gave up trying and he never complained. We played some cards, made dinner and watched a DVD of my favorite comedian.

Shortly after dinner, he left, but it was still quite late, I think a bit after 9pm. I got up to walk him out and as he was passing through the threshold of my front door, he turned to me and said that he had a great time. I smiled, but he kept talking. “But I don’t see this going anywhere,” he proclaimed. I was taken aback a bit, not because of what he said, but because of the timing of it all. I think my face must have showed that I was a bit shocked, but I managed to smile and thanked him for telling me. He apologized and I reassured him that it was okay and he left.

I remember numbly walking into my living room and dropping into a chair. Again, I wasn’t surprised he had those thoughts. I am sure after I processed our date a bit more, I would have come to the same conclusion. Part of me was relieved that he just came right out and told me and another part of me was still stinging from his words. I began to wonder at what point in the date he realized that and why he waited until the very last minute to tell me. However, I soon realized that I felt more relief than disappointment because he was right, we would not have been a good match. But then I started to cry. Why was I crying? Especially when I really didn’t like the guy in a romantic way anyway?

Hearing Soldier say those words took me back to the place when I had heard similar words several months prior by a guy that I really cared for. I began reliving my break up with David from early March whether I wanted to or not. That phone conversation with David came flooding back to my  mind, every little part of it. The way his voice sounded strange when he answered the phone, laced with sadness, and the way my stomach dropped when he told me those simple words of, “I think I am going to have to let you go.” I relived the feeling of fighting back tears as I strained to remain logical in that conversation, not giving into emotion. I remember internally telling myself to not let him know how much he was breaking my heart and that a little part of me even regretted opening it up to him in the first place. I think all of this came back to my mind because I had just spent an entire day with a man that I wished could have been David, but then realized again for the 100th time that David didn’t want to be with me.

“So stop wishing things like that!” I yelled at myself internally. I was actually a bit frustrated with myself.

I was so very tired of being sad about a silly break up. But I also knew it wasn’t silly.

I stayed in this deep sadness for two more days, barely even getting out of bed that Sunday and Monday and crying almost just as much as I did in March. The weekend after that is when I wrote the previous blog post, which is why my dad probably questioned if I was facing depression. I wasn’t. I was just facing sadness and realized that I still needed some healing from my graced-filled Heavenly Father.

I knew I didn’t want any of the outcomes to be different. I wouldn’t have cared to see Solider again and I even knew my break up with David was needed before I fell for him at a deeper level. David couldn’t give me what I needed, so I no longer wished I could still be with him. I just realized, I was still in a place of sadness. A sadness that I thought would have dissipated by now. But you can’t put a time limit on when a heart should heal. I think it was at this time that I actually admitted to having a broken heart. So I continued to pray for healing. Again. Just like I did back in March.

As time went on and school started back up, my time and energy was spent giving to my job and I was distracted from my sadness. I continued to go out on dates, not sure if I was doing the right thing or not. At first, I would come home after dates and cry over missing David. But thankfully there finally came a time where my dates would end and I wouldn’t cry. I’ve had dates these past two Saturday evenings with two different men and both times I actually came home and didn’t feel sad. Actually as I am writing this today, I realize how much I am feeling peace and contentment. Some days I feel it. Some days, I don’t. Which reminded me that my feelings should not determine my truth. Feelings will come and go but my job is to remember truth, no matter what I am feeling that particular day.

I know in the future there may still be times when something will happen and it will feel like my heart is breaking all over again. But I also know there will be times in the future where days will go by and I won’t even think about David anymore. I long for that. I know there will be times in the future where I go out with guys and maybe wish they were more like David, but I also know there will be a time where I will go out with a guy and he will captivate me. My date will capture my attention and we will both be excited to see each other again.

But even if that doesn’t ever happen again, I will be okay. My heart will heal and I will experience peace and I will remain in the constant and unwavering love of Jesus. His love will be the only thing I can count on in this life. And I will not have to worry about hearing the words of “I think I am going to have to let you go” from Him. Because He won’t ever let me go. He will never want to. And for that I am so very grateful. I continue to stand in awe that I can receive this love despite anything I have done or will ever do.

At this rate, I could probably set a new goal for myself – 31 dates while I am 31. So far I have been on 11 dates since turning 31. And I have two dates already set up this coming week. Again, do I know if I am doing the right thing by going out on these dates? I don’t. But all I know how to do is pray about it. And I’ll continue to ask God to open and close doors and to make things clear to me while going on this adventure of dating.

Even if it means a guy telling me that he is not interested as he walks over the threshold of my front door to leave 🙂

 

 

 

It’s amazing how quickly the month of July seems to go. Does that happen for everyone or just teachers? I blinked and it’s now August. I spent about 6 weeks up north in Michigan and had a wonderful time visiting some friends and spending some quality time with my parents. I have been back in my own home for about a week and a half now. And I am pretty sure every single day I have cried. Except for yesterday, I don’t think I cried yesterday at all but then today ruined that. It’s not because I am back home by myself. I actually am glad to be home and I enjoy my solitude to an extent. But I guess when I am by myself, I don’t have to act like I am okay when I am sad. And I don’t have to hold back tears until my throat feels like it is about to cave in. I can just be me. And I can be sad. And I can cry.

Many days I would wake up late and force myself out of bed to start the day.  I would tell myself it was not okay to nap when I just woke up two hours prior. Some days I would listen to myself, some days I wouldn’t. And today I am writing this blog post to keep myself from napping, so I can get to bed at a decent time to begin the new school year tomorrow. I will get back to a routine and hopefully crying will not be apart of my days anymore.

I want to be clear and explain that I am not depressed (although on Monday I did question that) and I am not miserable and I have no really good reason to cry other than I still feel sad.  My mom has always taught me to let it out when I feel like crying. The feeling to cry must be there for a reason, even if we are unsure of what that reason may be. So she would tell me, “just cry if you need to.” Last week when I was talking to her on the phone, trying to hold back my tears after another date that wouldn’t lead to a second one, she told me she was going to let me get off the phone so I could go cry. When you first think about it, crying seems to be a sign of weakness. And many times, yes, I feel quite weak lately. But I believe that God didn’t create us with the ability to cry so that we could be reminded we are weak. Instead maybe He created us with tear ducts to offer us cleansing and to offer us a way of showing our emotions. I am so very thankful to be able to feel. And the comforting thing is, God’s word even tells us that He knows every time we cry. He is paying attention to us, even when it feels like no one else is.

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

Psalm 56:8 (NLT)

As I continue to re-live the past couple of weeks in my thoughts, I knew that writing about it would make me feel better and would keep me out of bed. So here I am. Again.

As you can probably guess, writing about my experiences is therapy for me and I love sharing my life with those that are interested in reading about it. Thank you to those who I have seen over the past couple of months that have told me how much you enjoy reading my blog posts and my dating adventures. Without even knowing it, you are helping me process and you are encouraging me.

This summer was my first summer in three years that I did not have to worry about doing any graduate school work. I was very excited. Although with that excitement, I felt a small fear begin to creep in. I wasn’t afraid of being bored, I actually welcomed that idea after a very busy school year. Instead, like most of my thoughts these days, I was afraid of experiencing a summer full of loneliness. And while I did have times where that happened, God gave me such a blessing with allowing me to communicate with a few different men mostly via text with an idea of a date when I returned back home. I certainly don’t need to communicate with a guy to find purpose in life nor to find happiness, but in a small way talking to genuinely nice men that seem to love Jesus, offers me some hope that I am indeed not the only single 31 year old still out there.

I decided to take a break from eharmony after my three month subscription this time around was up. I wasn’t really getting many matches anymore that initiated communication with me and so I figured it was time for a break. However, I still had a lot of time on my hands, so I decided to try Match.com for a little while. Why not just switch it up? I might as well try and see what happens. I was curious of the difference and welcomed the change of not having to go through so many questions before entering the email stage.

However the main difference between Match.com and eharmony is that anyone can email you on Match. That can be a nice feature, but then it requires you to sift through the emails based on particular preferences – mine in particular – age and faith. I would specifically look within their profile for some sort of reference to their love for Jesus or how God played a part in their lives. I found that in some profiles, but it was rare. However just recently I learned that I could type a key word in (such as Jesus) and it would bring up profiles with that particular word.

Towards the beginning of signing up for Match one particular guy caught my attention. His first email to me simply said, “Hello Fellow Introvert, how is your weekend going so far?” I had described my personality type in my profile, which is how he knew that. After reading his profile in return, I felt like I could sense his personality a bit and knew I wanted to get to know him more. We sent a few emails back and forth. One of my emails to him contained the following:

I am in agreement with you when you wrote this in your profile, “I’m very intentional about my dating habits, not a game-player. I’m looking for something long-term that has potential to lead to marriage.”

So with that said, I have something that I need to get out of the way at the beginning to see how you feel about it. It may be problematic depending on how you look at it.

I am currently in Michigan for the month of July. With that said, I have a ton of free time on my hands this month, which is why I joined Match but timing may not be the best. My profile obviously has where I currently live so therefore as I am getting matched with people now, I won’t be able to meet them in person until the end of this month when I am back home. I would expect however that they would continue to communicate with other women as nothing would be established between us until a few in person dates happened. No matter how much I communicate with men through email/texts and even phone conversations, I never know if I will “click” with them on a romantic level until the first or sometimes the second date.

I went on to explain that in the weeks to come I would love to get to know him better but I would also assume that both of us would be in communication with other people and that was okay with me. But I wanted to know how he felt about it. I am not sure I really need to tell every guy my philosophy of dating and explain that I may be texting other guys at the same time, but a part of me just felt better getting that out there in the open. Especially because one guy I talked to made it sound like I was being unfair and playing the field. Which was not my intention in the slightest.

His response:

You seem like an intentional, real person and I greatly respect that. With the whole dating thing, I am totally inline with literally everything that you wrote, wow. Ha ha, I EXPECT you and other women to be talking to a few other guys at the same time, it’s inherent in the dating process. You definitely stand out from the crowd (I’m not just saying that) but you’re right, it’s almost impossible to know until you meet a person in real life. Let’s keep talking and whatever happens happens. If it works great, if not, that’s part of the process. 😉 I would love to meet up with you if we do ever get the chance though. I’m open to Skype also.

We eventually switched to texting instead of emailing and then Skyped later that week.

Sometime, possibly during the Skype conversation, we began talking about meeting in person for the first time. I told him that I would be traveling back to SC at the end of July and I could stop in his city on my way back down. He lived about five hours northwest of where I lived, so the idea of stopping there during my travels seemed very logical and he liked the idea. Plus it would break up my long trip back south and I had some friends that I could stay with in the city where he lived.

Fellow Introvert and I spent the next couple of weeks texting and for the first week or so, I looked forward to reading his texts each time his name appeared on my phone. In one of his texts he said, “I thought about you about 3.7 times today…” I smiled at that text and felt important to him. I really appreciated that he shared with me that he spent a part of his day thinking of me, because I was certainly doing the same thing on my end. When I shared that with him he responded like this, “A few months ago, a girl coworker friend of mine made me blush and with my skin tone, that hardly every happens, but it just happened after reading your text, so congrats…lol…you’re like one of the coolest girls I’ve met in awhile and I’m pretty literal because I’ve never been much of a flatterer, more of a nerd (as you can see from my long nerdy explanation).”

But as the date on the calendar neared where we were actually going to meet, I found myself pulling away. We began texting less and less. Maybe it was because he felt my resistance or maybe he became more interested in someone else, I am not sure. But my reason for pulling away was because I all of a sudden got nervous one of us was going to let the other down. That is usually my problem when it comes to dating. Isn’t that the whole reason I began my 30 dates adventure in the first place? To force myself to go out on dates and to remove myself from my own head? Oh yes, I had to remind myself of that and actually went back and read some of my older blog posts.

While communicating with Fellow Introvert and a few other guys at the time, I constantly prayed that God would lead me in the right direction. I continually prayed He would open and close doors and to help me recognize if any pride existed when I made decisions. I wanted to continue dating in a way that honored the Lord and honored the guys that I went out with. So as I drove to my date with Fellow Introvert, I told myself to maintain my 30 dates philosophy. I wanted this date to be a time where we could just have fun being in each other’s presence and to not worry about anything else. I wanted to see this date as a blessing instead of a potential time where one of us might hurt the other.

Fellow Introvert planned the date, which was nice. His plan was for us to go on a hike and then get dinner downtown. After driving in a car for ten hours that day, at first I thought a hike would be nice because it would be more active. It sounded much better than sitting anywhere for another few hours. However, I was a bit tired from traveling all day, so I was hoping I could convince him that I could still be fun. I had to convince myself of that first.

I pulled up to the spot where he told me to meet him, got out of my car and hugged him. Our conversation was pretty easy from the start. On our hike he walked in front of me as the path was too narrow to walk side by side. As he led in front, I tried my best to keep up with him but felt a bit self conscious the entire time that I may be slowing him down. After about the first half, I could no longer carry the conversation because I was too busy talking to Jesus. I was literally asking Jesus to help me get through this hike because at this point in time I was now dripping in sweat. I felt the sweat start at the base of my throat and eventually land somewhere near my belly button. And my hair, the hair that I woke up 20 minutes earlier to curl that morning, was now soaking wet. I obviously am not an experienced hiker (and I think he was), and I didn’t bring the essentials – one – being a stinkin’ water bottle – and two – a hair tie to keep my long hair off of my neck. When we reached our destination after walking up two very steep flights of metal stairs (but we still had to walk back), I pulled my hair up and knotted it. Thankfully my self made hair knot stayed the rest of the way. My slicked back wet sweat hair probably dried and made my hair stick in that knot. So much for looking pretty on a first date. And so much for impressing a guy with my athletic abilities. Being a words of affirmation girl, I always feel so special when my date compliments me, but I was not surprised that those compliments were absent from this date. Oh well. You win some. You lose some. Right?

After we returned back to where we started it was around 9:15 and we missed the sunset. Do you want to guess whose fault that might have been? I sat down on a rock because I just needed to catch my breath. Mr. Mighty Hiker (I am changing his nickname now) to my left didn’t seem to even be breathing hard at all. I tried to tell my breathing to act normal too. After a few minutes he asked if I was ready to go, we had a few more rocks to climb back to the car. I wasn’t ready actually. I could have laid down and taken a nap for goodness sake, but when he told me the restaurant closed at 10pm, I had no choice. I smiled and said I was ready, while silently reminding my breathing to act cool and my hair to stay plastered in that knot.

He took me to an awesome restaurant that had delicious tacos. It was actually one of the best tacos I have ever had. During dinner he told me that he had brought me chocolate and to make sure I didn’t let him forget to give it to me. The reason for this was because in his profile on Match.com he explained that he loved dark chocolate and named the brands he loved. In one of my emails I mentioned that I had never tried those kinds before and he told me I was not aloud to try them until we met and he could bring me some.

I thought that was adorable that he remembered and I told him I was excited to try it because I loved almost all kinds of chocolate. “Well almost all kinds, not the ones with almonds in them,” I explained to him. It was then that he informed me that one of the chocolate bars he bought me had almonds. I was doing a great job on this date folks. A great job indeed.

We finished dinner and I accidentally said something that sounded like I assumed he would pay. I caught myself and told him that I didn’t mean to sound like that and he said it was no big deal and paid for our meal. When will I find the whole “paying for the meal” not to be awkward on first dates?

Side Note: Here is some advice to any single guy that reads this. If you plan on paying for the meal, a simple, “This dinner is on me tonight, so get whatever you would like” when you first sit down would be really really nice for the girl to hear. Again, I am not saying that I expect a guy to pay every single time for a meal. It would just be nice to know ahead of time, so that when the bill gets set down on the table, I don’t start to all of a sudden feel anxious about it.

When we got to my car, I gave him another hug and thanked him for the date. He said, “I will see you….well I guess whenever you are back in town again.” I smiled and knew what that meant. I just hoped that he had a little bit of fun with me.

Even though the date was not one of my finest, it was not because of the man that I was with. Mr. Mighty Hiker is a great guy and very nice. We seem to have similar personalities and he “got me” on many things. Either that or he was just trying to be nice to make me feel better about myself. Regardless, I was honored that he spent his evening with me and treated me to one of the best dinners I have had in awhile. He acknowledged that I had driven a few hours out of my way to meet him and he let me know that he appreciated that. Prior to our date, he blessed me with several weeks of great texting conversation at the beginning of July and has given me hope that there are still guys out there that love the Lord. So I honestly have no regrets. Okay…maybe one.. that I didn’t have a hair tie. Oh wait two… that I told him I didn’t like almonds.

The next day as I drove the rest of the way back home I began listening to some of my songs on my phone. Some songs I forget that I have and so when the song “Give me Jesus” by Fernando Ortega (you can hear it here) came on, the waterworks did as well. I listened to that song on repeat for almost the last 30 minutes of my drive. The lyrics say, “Give me Jesus…You can have all this World…but Give me Jesus. It goes on to say, “And when I am alone…Give me Jesus.”

I love it when God uses a specific song to speak to me because that was happening at this very moment. Please know that I have great family members, the best parents a girl could ask for and very caring best friends. But often times, I do feel alone.

I went to a major league baseball game a few weeks ago and it hit me again. At one point I got up to go buy a hot dog and sat down at a picnic table by myself to eat it. I looked around and saw excited little kids walking next to their parents. I saw groups of friends laughing and couples holding hands with matching baseball t-shirts. I had thousands of people around me and a wave of loneliness engulfed me. Tears started falling down my cheeks right in the middle of that stadium and so I buried my head in my hot dog hoping no one would notice.

So…when I am alone…Give me Jesus. That’s all that matters. That is truly all that matters. I have the Spirit of God living inside me and He loves me more than I can even comprehend. That doesn’t compare even a little bit to what the world has to offer. You can have all of this world. You can have fame and attention. You can have elaborate houses filled with kids. You can have the Facebook posts titled “love your spouse challenge.” But for me…well for me…Give Me Jesus.

I am not saying all of the stuff I just named above is bad and that I don’t want that. I think it is great that people are recognizing how great marriage is with their couple pictures posted seven days in a row. I may have to take a break from Facebook for a few months because of it ;), but I hope it actually restores some love in marriages that may have been lacking. And I also know it doesn’t mean their marriages are perfect. I know marriage is hard just like being single is hard. Life is hard in general. So of course it is the desire of my heart to one day be able to post a picture about loving my spouse. But I can’t keep dwelling on that. I don’t want to go on every single date hoping that the next one is my spouse and then being disappointed when the chemistry doesn’t exist.

So today – this day when I am single,

and yes, the day when I am also sad,

I want to whisper “Give me Jesus,”

and I want to mean it – with my whole heart.

And then tomorrow – tomorrow when I am probably sad again,

I want to mean it then too.

And then in the future – in the future that is unknown,

the future that may allow me to have a spouse,

I want to mean it then too.

I want to say “Give me Jesus” for the rest of my life, no matter what my circumstances are.

And I want to mean it.

So you can have all of this world.

But Give me Jesus.