eharmony

If At First You Don’t Succeed…

What do you do when you strike out? Twice? You get back up and you try try again. However, with that simple statement, another round of questions arise.

What amount of “trying” is healthy? Should I really even be trying?

Does trying mean that I am not content in my current single situation?

Does having the desire to get married mean that I am not satisfied presently?

Should I feel guilty that I have this desire?

Does the sadness that I feel mean I am not trusting the Lord enough to provide for me?

Those questions have been swirling around in my head for months. And thankfully, by the grace of God, I feel because of conversations this week, coupled with prayer and choosing to believe in truth, I am starting to get answers. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, I am not sure) that didn’t happen before I decided to step back up to bat.

you will never know, if you don't try

Stepping up to bat both in the literal sense and physical sense, is not very easy for me.

I am not very athletic and I am not good at sports. The only time I can hold my own is when it comes to water sports and even then I am not sure you can count staying on a tube and getting up on a wake-board a big accomplishment. I try to stay far away from being a member on any team, so when someone suggests playing volleyball at the beach, you’ll see me slip off to find the nearest bathroom.

However, I did play softball on an actual team in 6th grade. That year one of my best friend’s dad coached the girls softball team and I don’t think they had enough players to make a whole team, so I was asked to play. I remember warning them that I was not very good, but I got talked into playing under the disguise of “just give it a try, it will be fun!” They must have been desperate for numbers. As I began attending practices, I remember being embarrassed because I barely even knew the rules of the game and many of the girls had been playing for years. I tried to fly under the radar as best as I could. I was a quiet, shy, skinny little girl, so that was easy for me. But then one day when we were throwing the ball back and forth to one another, warming up for a game, things changed at bit. At this point, I still didn’t even know how to catch a stinkin’ ball, so I just did my fair share of running after it whenever someone threw it to me. That was when another girl’s father saw what was happening and he came over to me and showed me how to hold my glove the correct way to catch a ball. He threw a few balls to me and I followed his instructions. Shortly after the game began, for some reason they thought it would be a good idea to have me play short stop. After asking someone on my team where that was, I jogged to the in field. The next thing I remember, the ball was hit towards me. I didn’t do much, I don’t even think I had to move my feet. The only thing I did at that moment was look up at the ball racing towards me and hold my glove up like I had been taught. The ball came right in. I can’t remember all of the details, but for the sake of the story, let’s just say that was the third out for the other team. My team cheered and I couldn’t stop smiling. As my team went back to the bench to get ready to bat, the girl’s father came up to me and congratulated me for catching the ball. “See, you just had to learn how to hold your glove, I knew you could do it!” he said to me. I think that was the only time I caught a ball the entire season and I probably played in the out field from that point forward. But I will forever have etched in my mind the feeling of catching a ball on an important play.

A few weeks after Dr. G vanished and Mr. Sold Out put me on hold, I began going through my eharmony matches. While communicating with Dr. G, I didn’t sign on to eharmony much at all.

That night, I made a poor choice and initiated communication with someone with a good-looking picture and a brief profile stating he no longer had a subscription but to reach out to him through email. I am not going to go into that story, but red flags were thrown up several times during our conversation. I thanked the Lord for the gift of discernment and moved on from that one.

If I had just gone to bat, that would have been another strike out for yours truly. I told myself after that experience that I would no longer be the one to initiate. Lesson learned.

The next day, I received an email from a guy that I had been in communication with in the midst of my 30 dates adventure in 2014. We had reached the email stage at that time, but after he inquired about my adventure a little more, he stopped emailing me. Not all guys were up to being one of my 30 dates and I totally understood. No hard feelings on my end.

Now my profile had no trace of 30 dates or an adventure, so he probably thought it was safe to email me. Thankfully a girl going on 30 dates didn’t turn him off altogether. In fact he even emailed me joking about it later.

This is what his email said,

Hi, I am trying to go on 32 dates before I turn 32. Do you want to be one of my dates? 😉

Bubba

I literally laughed out loud and emailed Bubba back and asked him if he was a creeper.

His response:

Hi there,

I am as creepy as they come. I like long walks on the beach and dark chocolate.

I turn 32 in December. What about you?

Bubba

P.S. You can call be “Bubs” for short.

Bubs had a different real name and he most certainly was not creepy, so these emails were just jokes and actually came after our first date. So let me back up and tell you about that.

After a few initial emails, he asked for my number to talk on the phone. At this point, I didn’t want to make the same mistake as I did with Mr. Sold Out and not give him another method of communication, but I also did not want another Dr. G story to happen. I emailed him back to let him know that I would just prefer meeting him if he was up for it. He actually liked the idea and we planned a lunch date for the next day! I was thankful for his flexible schedule and internet navigating skills as he sent me the address of a cute little restaurant halfway in between where we both lived.

Driving to our lunch date, I wasn’t that excited. I think that was because coming off the disappointment with Dr. G, I was guarding my heart as much as I could and just figured this would probably be a “one and done” date. At least we were actually getting to the date part. I got there a bit early and decided to walk through a couple of the nearby antique stores. When I got his text that he arrived, I walked over to the restaurant and he was standing outside. I think I might have went to shake his hand or something but instead he hugged me. I got a very good first impression from him. He was tall and good-looking and I all of a sudden got a little excited about the upcoming hour.

Bubba did everything correctly on this first date. He was friendly with our waitress and held conversation well with a perfect balance of answering and asking questions. At one point I told him that he was not what I expected him to be like and he inquired further about that. For some reason, I was just not expecting someone as laid back and social as he was. When I told him that he said, “thanks for the feedback,” and I all of a sudden felt badly for letting him know my preconceived thoughts. I then asked him if I was different than he expected and he told me that I was prettier in person than in my pictures. I never really know how to respond to that but I think I said thank you. Then I kinda felt badly because I didn’t mean to fish for compliments.

After about an hour and a half from when we first got there, we boxed up our meals, he paid and we walked out. He walked me to my car, gave me a hug and said he enjoyed lunch and that he hoped we could do it again some time. He said that sort of passingly, so I don’t think I gave a definite answer, but I thanked him for driving halfway to meet me.

As I was driving home, I began to process, realizing I hoped to hear from him again soon. I remember smiling when I received his text a few hours later. He asked if I got home safely. We sent a few texts back and forth that day.

The next day I initiated a texting conversation and he again told me he enjoyed our lunch together. I wanted to let him know that I had enjoyed it as well and not keep him guessing. I texted back, “I enjoyed it too. Sometimes it takes me time to process but I always know that I enjoy being in someone’s company after the fact when I look forward to hearing from them again – which happened with you.”

Bubs texted back and said that was sweet of me to say and nice to hear. He then asked me out again for the following week. My text must have given him the courage to ask me out again or maybe it was his plan all along. Either way, I liked it. I still wasn’t sure where I stood in my feelings with him, but I did know that I wanted to spend more time with him to see where it could go.

We had two phone conversations that week. In one of the conversations he asked about our next date. He explained to me that we could do another short lunch date or he would be willing to drive to my town for the evening, get a hotel room for himself, and then go to brunch or something the next day. This would allow more time for us to get to know one another but he also told me he wanted to respect my time. I told him I liked the idea of spending more time with him, so we could get a better sense of where this might be going and we began to make plans for that.

The following Friday, he got to my house around 3 and soon after we headed to the pool to cool off from a hot day. As we talked at the pool, I realized that we seemed compatible in many different areas regarding our beliefs and outlooks on life. However, I did share with him that I was excited to spend more time with him because while I knew we could be great friends, I needed to see if there was a romantic connection. He agreed and we left the pool soon after.

I had asked him during our phone conversation prior to our date if he would be willing to choose a restaurant for dinner. Since he came to my town, I figured it would have been understood that I would pick where we would eat, but I don’t always feel comfortable doing that. I know not all men pay on dates, but if he wanted to pay, I didn’t want to be the one picking a place with a certain price range. Plus there are so many restaurants around here that I have not ever been to and I knew he would find a good place. He didn’t seem to have a problem with that at all and actually seemed to enjoy the idea of surprising me.

As I got ready, put on make-up, curled my hair and slipped on a new, cute, little summer dress, I was excited for our dinner. I have bought so many outfits in my lifetime under the guise of “I could wear that on a date one day,” but it usually just sits in my closet for years. So that night, I was thankful to have a reason to get dressed up and wear something new. Later, Bubba complimented me on my outfit, I commented about the fact that we kinda matched with similar color schemes and we were on our way.

He drove to the restaurant using his phone’s GPS and while I had a few guesses of where we were going, we ended up at a place I had never been to. It had a wonderful atmosphere and great food and I enjoyed myself very much.

However, on the way home, I began to wonder if I was feeling a connection or not. I didn’t want to seem distracted and I told myself that I didn’t need to over-analyze things at that moment, so I shoved those thoughts away. We ended our date with going back to my house for ice cream.

The next morning, I had some extra time to begin processing before Bubba picked me up for lunch. I could already tell that Bubba loved Jesus, had a servant’s heart and treated others very well. But I just couldn’t get over the intuition of the fact that I didn’t feel anything beyond a friendship level. A pit started to form in my stomach because no one likes to be put in the “friend zone.” And to be honest, we both were not looking for just another friend.

When he picked me up at my house around noon, I think I had my mind made up, I just felt horrible about it. I was racking my brain about the best time to tell him, wondering if it should even be that day. Do I tell him at lunch? Do I wait and call him in a few days? Do we go out on one more date to be sure?

As we were eating lunch, we kept the conversation going but I was having a hard time staying focused. At the end of lunch he said, “I hate to have to bring this up now, but what are you feeling?” I was shocked that he asked me, but I was so proud of him for doing so. I am not sure I have ever had a guy come straight out and ask me so soon, if at all. This showed that he had great communication and he was not into playing any games.

Even though I knew what I was feeling, I needed a few more minutes to process, so I listened to him share that he had fun with me and that he would like to continue to get to know me if I felt the same way. He complimented me on a few things and I felt tears begin to swell up in my eyes. I would normally categorize myself as not much of a crier, but I would have a hard time convincing anyone of that since March.

I told him that I was just not feeling it and as I began to process my feelings out loud with him, I started crying. At no point did he look disappointed, sad or mad. Instead he listened to me and told me that it was okay. He thanked me for being honest and told me that he would have much rather have heard what I was feeling now rather than later. He said he would have hated to have tried calling me the next week and me talking with him out of obligation instead of excitement. I felt so badly because I could already tell what a great guy he was and it is never easy having to tell someone that you are probably not interested in a romantic way. This was not my first time having to deliver this news, but it was the first time I felt THIS badly about it. I think that stems from my break-up in March. Even though it was quite different, since my relationship ended after a year, and Bubba and I had only gone out on two dates, I knew what it felt like to hear the other person tell me our feelings didn’t align. No matter what, it is hurtful. I am not sure if Bubba was hurt or not. If he was, he was doing a good job of hiding it for the sake of my heart. He also understood how dating worked and the risk that comes with it. I appreciated that about him so very much and it was most definitely an advantage of going out on a date with a mature man. He was treating my heart with respect and every word he said to me built me up, instead of making me feel guilty. He didn’t try and hurt me back, he didn’t beg me to change my mind or for more time. He accepted what I told him and I never had any person treat me as well as he did in that kind of moment.

We got in the car to leave and I turned to him to let him know it was nothing that he did or didn’t do. He didn’t do anything wrong. I think he already knew that, but I also know the questions that arise after news like that, so I wanted him to be sure. I told him that he was good-looking and that his love for the Lord made him so attractive. He asked if he could give me a kiss on the cheek and I agreed. He did and I hugged him and then he drove me back to my house. When I got out of the car, we said our goodbyes and he told me that I was welcome to keep in touch with him and even stop by to see him with my new man one day if I was ever in his area. He told me if that ever happened he would let that man know just how blessed he was to have me. I started crying again and told him that finding a man was not that easy. He smiled at me and got into his car while encouraging me to be patient and that it would happen.

Bubba is a strong man that knows God has great plans for him. He knows there is someone out there more suitable for him and there is someone out there more suitable for me. The way he responded was grace-filled and a lesson that every single person could learn from.

I walked into my house and of course cried some more. I knew he was right and that God has a great plan for me regarding my spouse one day. But I was sad.

I felt like I struck out again.

try and then quit

Maybe getting on eharmony, going through my matches and accepting dates wasn’t the best idea. These questions re-surfaced for me.

What amount of “trying” is healthy? Should I really even be trying?

Does trying mean that I am not content in my current single situation?

Does having the desire to get married mean that I am not satisfied presently?

Should I feel guilty that I have this desire?

Does the sadness that I feel mean I am not trusting the Lord enough to provide for me?

As I once again asked myself these questions, I fell asleep crying that night. Are you surprised?!

Then the next couple of days, God’s love poured into me through other people.

And what I learned this week is the whole reason I felt like I needed to begin blogging again – in hopes that maybe this post could be the words that someone else needed to read.

Being on eharmony is putting myself out there, it is letting people know that I am interested in getting married one day. It is making my desire known in a more public way. Meeting new people and dating has to happen before marriage is an option, so eharmony allows for that. It allows for me to meet guys that love the Lord that I may not have come into contact with otherwise. I don’t want to live my life strategically trying to position myself in places where single Christian guys might be. I am not sure how I would even do that and I would drive myself crazy trying to figure that out. I would be afraid that my focus would become on that and not on glorifying the Lord.

So if being on eharmony means that I am “trying,” then I really do not see anything wrong in that. Who knows if eharmony will actually work for me, I am starting to think probably not, but that is okay. It may or it may not. One of my friends who is recently learning the same lessons as myself shared this with me just yesterday:

“Being obsessed with the Lord is much more rewarding and gives me peace. While being obsessed with finding the right person for my spouse gives me dark circles under my eyes.”

I thought that was very well said and I couldn’t have said it better myself. I can spend 5 or 10 minutes on eharmony each day, responding to questions of guys who I think I might be interested in. But when I become obsessed over it and when my emotions for that particular day depend on who does or who doesn’t contact me, then I am at risk of those dark circles showing up.

At the pool the other day, I had another God appointed meeting. I met a lady who has five grown daughters herself and we began talking. I saw her love for the Lord almost immediately and could tell she was a very wise and discerning lady. My mom shared with her about my story and desire to get married one day. Towards the end of our conversation she began reminding me of truth. She prefaced it with the fact that she wouldn’t be telling me anything new but she felt the Lord wanted her to remind me of a few things today.

She reminded me that waiting was hard and it was not always an easy feat to accomplish. But in the meantime, while I was waiting, to try and stay focused on becoming the woman that God wants me to be and to pray for my future spouse that he would be doing the same. I think she might of sensed my apprehensiveness about wondering if there really is a future spouse out there for me. Then the next thing she said is exactly what I needed to hear. She said that I had the desire to get married and that was good. It was the way God created me and it was a normal desire. I wasn’t doing anything wrong by having this desire. In fact, God is the one that gives us the desires of our heart and as long as it lines up with His word, it is good. So many times I feel guilty for having this desire. I feel like I should be okay being single for the rest of my life and I should push the desire down so much that no one can see it. But I realized those thoughts were more lies. Here we go again. How many lies are we believing when we shouldn’t be?

So through that conversation, I realized that it is okay to have that desire. There is nothing wrong with it. And it is okay to have emotions too. When someone falls in love, they are going to be happy, they are going to feel joy and probably laugh and smile a lot. They will probably feel the relief of not having to wait anymore. Wouldn’t we expect that from them? So why would the opposite not be okay as well? Why would it be wrong to feel sadness when it doesn’t work out like you hoped? Why would it be wrong to cry over a disappointment and feel sad that you have to wait a bit longer? Emotions are okay. Emotions were created by God and it is what makes us human.

Emotions will come and go. If we are happy at the moment, unfortunately we will probably one day experience something in our life that will make us sad again. If we are sad at the moment, we will one day experience something that will make us happy again. What we do with our emotions at the present time is where we need to focus. If my sadness made me stop trusting in the Lord, that would be the problem. If my sadness made me stop loving the people around me that God has already put in my life, then that would be the tragedy. Obsessing and worrying about things out of my control is exactly what God has asked us not to do.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”
Matthew 6:25-26

He does not tell us not to be sad. So if you are sad. Be sad. If you feel like crying. Then cry. But my advice is to find someone to remind you of truth. I have parents and best friends that do this often for me. And now I have the sweet lady from the pool.

It also really helps to talk to people who are in your similar situation, so you know you are not alone. A sweet single friend reminded me that she prays for contentment when I reached out to her recently. She said that she prays that even though she has the desire to be married, she hopes to make the best out of her single years and prays for opportunities to come her way that she might not have available to her if she was married.

So one of the opportunities that I felt the Lord has given me while I am single and struggling through the game of dating is this blog. If I have the opportunity to just encourage a few people through what the Lord is teaching me, then I am making the best out of my single years. I am learning so much and I am growing as a person.

And to my friends who are not in a similar situation, thank you for listening to my batting stories and my many strike outs. You don’t need to have the right words to say. I am just thankful to have people in my life that want to listen and people in my life that will share in my excitement when I am excited and understand my heart when I am sad.

To tell you the truth though, I am getting a bit tired of striking out when I go up to bat. So maybe I will take a break from that for awhile and instead switch it up and play in the field for a bit (no I did not say “play the field” – read it again).

So if you are looking for me, you will find me on short stop with my feet firmly planted in place. I will be holding my glove up, looking to the sky and waiting for my turn to catch what is meant for me.

baseball

 

Back In The Game?

I might as well just categorize myself as a “blogger” now. I am not sure how this happened, it just did. I first thought that I just blogged because my friends were curious about each date that I went on when I decided to go on 30 dates before my 30th birthday and it would save me from having to recant the story over five different times. I continued to blog those dates because of the encouraging comments and likes I received from my facebook friends. But now even after my 31st birthday has come and gone, every once and awhile I still get this strong desire to write another blog post. So does this make me a blogger?

I just have all of these thoughts swirling around in my head that typing them out is actually quite therapeutic for me. These thoughts come from so many different places. Mostly they come from deep within my being, the cries of my heart. Some come from listening to friends or random people, while others are lies of the enemy. And every once and while, when I am quiet and I try to just stop thinking for a moment, they come from the still small voice of my Heavenly Father. Those are the thoughts I especially want to cling to and typing them out where I can read them again and again helps me get through times of trial and sadness.

I have done that a few times actually. I have gone through several of my past blog posts looking for the snip-its of truth that I need to remind myself to cling to. Each time I read a past blog post, I find myself spending some time praying if I should try and turn my story into a book. Some days I actually think it could be a reality, while other days I laugh at those thoughts, thinking no one will want to read a book about someone they do not know. But regardless if I ever add author to my resume, I guess I should surrender to the fact that I am indeed a blogger.

A few months ago, my mom signed me up to receive blog updates from a woman named Holley Gerth (http://holleygerth.com/)  and while I received her most recent blog update in my inbox five days ago, I just opened and read it today. Usually after reading other blog posts, I begin to compare mine to theirs, which makes me feel like my story (at least now) is not really worth sharing or that I am not as good of a writer as many other bloggers out there. But when I saw Holley’s blog title was, God Isn’t Done with Your Story Yet, it made me feel the familiar itch to blog again. And as I read, I then began to feel the familiar peace overcome my soul. A peace that I had been missing for a few weeks now. Instead I have actually spent most nights crying soft tears as I drifted off to sleep. Let me tell you why. But first it will require me taking you back a few months and will require two different posts to keep the length a readable amount.

God isn't done with your story yet

The month of March was a pretty rough time period in my life. The beginning of the month is when I experienced my first real heart break, but the rest of the month I was left with questions. Questions that I swore I would not think after the first week. Questions that I knew deep down were stupid to ask and I wanted to run far away from. But these questions would still linger. Usually popping up on the weekends during my free time or late into the night when I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep to get them out of my head. These questions stemmed from deep within me and surfaced the deepest of my insecurities.

Here are some of those questions I asked myself regarding why David didn’t fall in love with me, why he chose to, in his words, “let me go.”

-Did he still think I was beautiful? At the beginning of our relationship, he would let me know his thoughts in this area often and while he would still send me good night texts with the word beautiful thrown in there, did he still really think that? I had become comfortable enough with him, that many weekends I no longer tried to look my best. Several evenings were spent watching TV on the couch with no make-up on, acne break-outs, and in a pair of sweats. Should I have tried harder to always look my best around him?

-Did he think I was lazy and slept too much? My weeks were exhausting and my days began at 5:45 am. So the weekends were the times where I would catch up on sleep and rejuvenate. I think I require more sleep than the average human being, I have always been like that. So while I started my day before the sun on weekdays, I usually liked to sleep in several hours after sunrise on weekends. And then on top of that, sometimes I even liked to nap when I was fighting against allergies or the common cold. The weekends were used to re-energize myself, however they were also the time that David and I would be together. So did I not give him enough of my time? Did he resent that I would sleep in and chose to start my day with him in the afternoons and not mornings?

-Did he think that I was boring? I always prided the fact that our relationship seemed good even when we stayed in for the evening and just snuggled on the couch and even when we went to dinner and spent half of it in silence. I would joke about how I hated running or hiking, but did he not want to be with me anymore because I wasn’t active enough? Did he not feel that I was capable of engaging in stimulating conversations? Did he think that I hated riding with him on his motorcycle because I would complain of my neck hurting from an over-sized helmet? Was he bored with me? Should I have initiated more outdoorsy dates?

-I am a picky eater. I hate that about myself and I am really trying to push myself to eat different types of foods now that I am an adult, but I still don’t eat as many things as I should. Did he get annoyed with my eating habits? Was it annoying to him when we would pick restaurants to go to if I voiced my opinions about the food? Was he tired of having to tell his family and friends that I didn’t like a certain food?

-Did I serve him well enough? David served me so well and every single weekend at that. There was not a time that went by that I didn’t feel he cared for me in the area of service. So did I not reciprocate that enough? Was he getting tired of serving me and felt like I wasn’t giving back? Did I not cater to his wants and desires? Should I have initiated hugs and kisses more than I did?

I am sure there were many more questions that arose but those were the main ones circling in my head that month. Maybe if you have experienced a break up, you have experienced those same questions or ones similar about your insecurities. I absolutely HATE that those questions existed. I even kinda hate that I am typing them out now and making them known.

But it’s what happened.

And why is that?

Because we are human. Because we make everything about us. Because we are prideful. Because we are weak when we are broken. Because the enemy has come to kill our joy, steal our smiles and destroy our testimony. Because we live in a fallen world.

So by the end of the month and for probably the 100th time, I reminded myself that those questions stemmed from lies. That the truth remained by seeking the Lord. And when I did that I was reminded that this break up was God’s plan. That David was not the best for me. That I was not the best for David. Period. There didn’t need to be any of the above questions. The only question I needed to ask was, “How do I fall deeper in love with Jesus?” So I poured myself into finding that answer.

And while I always tried to keep that question at the forefront of my mind, another question started creeping in by mid-April.

How do you know when it is time to start dating again after a relationship end?

I think I had accepted the ending of my relationship with David but that didn’t come without still pushing away those earlier questions. I had to literally train my brain to change my thinking. So while I was training my brain to focus on truth, I wondered if going out on dates again would be a bad idea.

I talked to my dad about these newly surfaced questions and about my thoughts of maybe re-joining eharmony to see about lining up some weekend dates. Was it too soon? I cringed and waited for his response through half squinted eyes. And then he gave me what I think I was looking for, an approval. I told him I didn’t want it to come across like I was searching for a rebound relationship. I knew that no man or earthly relationship would ever be able to heal me from my brokenness, I knew God would be the only One who could do that. But I was looking for some weekend company as a bit of distraction from my sadness and lies that seemed to surface at night. He told me that anyone that knew me knew I wouldn’t just date a guy as a rebound. I valued relationships way too much than to enter into another one flippantly.  So I prayed about it. I am not sure if I got a clear answer from God or not about what to do, but when I pulled up the eharmony website and saw that they would give me a deal of less than nine dollars a month, I signed up again.

At first I decided to not tell anyone except my dad. I think I was still a bit embarrassed and nervous what others would think. I even tried to keep it from my mom, but that only lasted about three days.

As I was trying to decide how to approach this new season of eharmony dates, I began communicating with one guy pretty quickly after joining. He caught my attention because even though I wasn’t quite sure what he actually looked like due to all four pictures of him looking totally different, he wrote, “living a life sold out for Christ,” under the question of what he was most passionate about. He also stated that he thought that a woman who is intentional in her relationship with Jesus is sexy. I let him know that I liked that little phrase after we hit the email stage. However, without my “30 dates” philosophy to fall back on, I didn’t know how soon was too soon with giving guys my number or even meeting them in general. So one particular day,  this guy, we will call him Mr. Sold Out, and myself began sending a few emails back and forth within minutes. During those emails, he asked to move our conversation off of eharmony and to something a bit more easier for him to communicate with like texting or facebook messaging. I froze a bit and told him I wasn’t ready for that and he said he understood. We kept emailing, although several days would go by in between each other’s emails.

Soon after, I was matched with a man that lived six hours away but who caught my interest from the start. We will call him Dr. G because he was my age with a PhD. You will see why the initial is G soon enough. While there were many more matches before Dr. G and in between him and Mr. Sold Out, these were the only two that seemed to keep me interested. Normally I didn’t communicate with men more than a few hours away but being in a relationship with David taught me that I was willing to move if it was right. So six hours away or not, I answered Dr. G’s questions. I was not going to let distance cause me to not communicate with a good-looking, educated man that seemed to seek to glorify the Lord according to his profile. And not only that but he said he was looking for a “walking and talking” woman of God. I didn’t know him yet, but for some reason deep inside of me I thought we could make a great team. Those thoughts strengthened as we began to email. After a few emails he suggested we should facetime because obviously the distance wouldn’t allow us to meet in person for some time. I agreed and it went fairly well. I didn’t hear from him the next day and thought that I must have said something wrong or he didn’t find me attractive.

When will I stop questioning if a guy finds me beautiful?! I am quite sick of those insecure thoughts always creeping into my head.

However, the following day he emailed me on eharmony, following up with our facetime conversation. He told me he enjoyed our conversation but at the end sensed hesitancy on my part. I was relieved to finally have heard back from him and proud of his communication skills and the fact that he let me know he sensed hesitancy. I returned his email admitting my insecurities about him waiting more than 24 hours to get back with me and asked if our next conversation could be on the phone instead of facetime so I could explain myself a bit better. It was actually harder than I thought facetiming a complete stranger and I wanted to make sure I communicated the best way I knew how.

During that phone conversation I admitted to maybe being a little bit awkward on facetime but it was not because I was hesitant about communicating with him further. He said he was glad to hear that and we began what turned into a three week communication. During our second facetime he brought up the fact that I wondered if he thought I was beautiful or not. He went on to tell me that he thought I was gorgeous. Each time I talked with him I seemed to like him more and that little comment sure didn’t hurt. During our communication we talked on the phone another two times and facetimed once more, with a few short texts in between each time. During our last phone conversation, I asked some tough questions about distance and how he felt about that and inquired about meeting him. We ended the conversation with him telling me that we seemed to be on the same page and I felt good. The conversation had gone really well.

But as the week went on, I think he changed his mind. Towards the end of the week, he shared some apprehensiveness with me and I responded with a really long email explaining why I thought we should still meet one day to just see if we clicked in person as much as I thought we did “on paper.” He texted me and thanked me for that email and told me he needed time to process as well as the fact that he had found this blog so he knew that I had recently just gotten out of a relationship. I responded and told him that if he really knew me, he didn’t need to worry about that but I understood if he needed to figure that out for himself. In my head, I again knew that I would not enter into a relationship with him if I didn’t feel like the Lord was leading me that way. However, I would not know that until after we met and so I was beginning to wonder how much longer that would be.

But instead of arranging a time to meet, I never heard from him again. Each day after that texting conversation, I would hold out hope that he would contact me. I had come to really believe that we might actually be a good fit, despite the fact that he was probably moving another 6 hours farther from me. When I was telling my friend about this story, my friend told me that it was called “ghosting.” Ghosting?!  There was a term for what happened to me? My friend went on to explain that it was when one person just decided to stop communicating with another person without an explanation or a reason or an ending. I am not sure if the goal is to leave it open ended in case that person wants to start it back up again or if it is just an easy way out to avoid tough conversations. Or maybe three weeks of communicating via the phone didn’t require a clear communication about it ending, since it was never anything to begin with. I am still not sure.

I spent the next few weeks trying to analyze what happened and of course questions began to arise. Maybe he realized that long distance would be too much work after all and I wasn’t worth it? Maybe he felt like I needed more time after just being in a relationship? Maybe he thought he would be the rebound guy? Maybe I expressed my interest in meeting him too strongly through a very lengthy email that could have been shortened? I don’t know if any one of those were the real reasons he decided to “ghost me,” maybe a combination of all of them, but what I do know is that I didn’t guard my heart well. Each time I talked with Dr. G (G stands for ghost…get it now?), I became more excited because we seemed so compatible, but maybe that was just all in my head. I even began to envision what it would be like to meet him in person and then maybe even one day move to where he would be living.

I don’t know what was wrong with me. I NEVER do things like that and I usually can keep my thoughts in check and my heart guarded pretty darn well. But I got too excited about this one and it came back to teach me a lesson. I think I took the mystery out of pursuing me. I hate playing games and I was trying to be open and honest with him, but in the end I think I just showed my interest too much. I wasn’t even sure if I did like him enough to be in a relationship with him, we hadn’t even met in person yet for goodness sake. All I did was express an interest of meeting in person, but he might have took it another way. Maybe the chase was over for him before it really began? I am still not 100% sure where I went wrong or if I went wrong at all. But in the end, those questions don’t matter anymore anyway. There is nothing I can do but to continue to surrender to the Lord.

After a few weeks of waiting to see if Dr. G would contact me, I emailed Mr. Sold Out again. He had taken about ten days to respond to one of my emails, so after that long and the fact that I was in communication with Dr. G, I never emailed him back. But now, I did. I apologized to him about the length of time it took me to respond but that I had been communicating with someone else and I wasn’t sure it was a good idea to communicate with more than one person at a time. I still don’t know how that rule works on eharmony, but I figured I might as well be honest. He told me he understood and explained that he actually had met a woman and that he was going to see if it would work out between them. He explained that he would love to meet me if it didn’t though. I liked that he was honest with me and I respected that. I told him that I wished him the best with the woman he met (and I really did mean that) and I would be fine with him contacting me if they didn’t work out.

So far, I was back in the game, but already struck out twice.

That didn’t stop me from continuing to get back up to bat though, maybe it should have, looking back now. Stay tuned for a few more stories because like it or not, I am most definitely a blogger.

Sigh, I hope this is a good idea…